The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of July 13–19, 2018

Animals with tusks are no longer permitted aboard trains.

Week of July 13–19, 2018
Riders this past week: 42,303
Rider miles this past week: 199,998

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Joy Behar was seen riding the subway on Wednesday afternoon July 4, heading to Sag Harbor from Bridgehampton. Sir Paul McCartney and Billy Joel rode the subway that same day heading to Bridgehampton from Sag Harbor.

PUSHER MISSING
Thomas Branson, who worked as a “pusher” at Hamptons Subway’s Southampton platform for the summer “escorting” the herds of passengers into the subway cars, has gone missing. He was last seen on Monday, July 9 at 4 p.m. herding passengers on that platform along with three other pushers when he simply vanished. He was last seen wearing a football helmet, chest protector, boxing gloves and sneakers, all in the official orange color of Hamptons Subway. Also wire rimmed glasses. Anyone with information about Thomas should contact any subway employee. Everyone’s worried about him.

NEW PET GUIDELINES
Hamptons Subway welcomes pets and service animals on the subway. However, there are exceptions. Insects are not permitted, neither are snakes, sugar gliders, rodents, ferrets, hedgehogs or reptiles. Added to the list this week are animals with tusks. Horns above the ears are still okay, but not below. Another new rule allows motormen to decide if a creature is one of the above or not. Until now, the word of the passenger was sufficient to say that, for example, what looked like a ferret was not a ferret, which happened last Thursday in Water Mill.

SUBWAY LOCATORS—A NEW PERK
Subway trains arrive at every station at six-minute intervals. There are times, of course, when that does not happen. Somebody’s horse on the tracks, for example. Now, our beloved customers will be better informed. Lead cars of all trains are now equipped with location transmitters. Download the orange FIND MY HAMPTONS SUBWAY app. Opening it brings up a map of the system showing your location as a blue dot and subway locations as little flashing orange dots. It refreshes at 20-second intervals. Seeing the orange dots move allows you to determine when a train will arrive. Maybe.

WHACK A MOLE
Hamptons Subway has an exclusive contract with the Subway Restaurant Chain allowing Subway kiosks on every platform. This contract is now in its 11th year. This year, for the first time, “pop-up” restaurants have tried to appear on certain platforms. A Pizza Hut tried to pop up at Westhampton Beach, a McDonald’s at Quogue and a Wendy’s at Amagansett. Hamptons Subway (the restaurant) has now, with our permission, allowed all their employees to carry giant wooden mallets, which they are permitted to employ whenever a “pop-up” breaks through from below. As a result, all pop-ups get a big smack.

We ask riders to step aside when one has to be dealt with. It’s a minor inconvenience for having the one and only Hamptons Subway restaurant kiosks available exclusively on our platforms, serving their wonderful 11-inch foot longs. Uh, 12-inch.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
It was a pleasure to learn that Hamptons Subway Comptroller Joe Billingsby, who has challenged me for the Commissioner’s seat in the upcoming election, has withdrawn and resigned, leaving me the only candidate. As you know, we brought to light his illegal behavior—picking up a quarter on the Southampton platform on May 23, 2017—we have the video—and pocketing it rather than turning it in. A felony. Also, that incident with his girlfriend on August 12, 1983 went viral, as you know. We had looked forward to a cordial campaign against him, but, it is not to be. See you Monday at the polls.

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