The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of November 9–15, 2018

Our heavily armed security team known as the SS (for Subway SWAT) is keeping you safe.

Week of November 9–15, 2018
Riders this past week: 17,411
Rider miles this past week: 83,412

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Author Walter Isaacson was seen on the Hamptons Subway traveling between Sag Harbor and Wainscott reading a diary apparently written by Leonardo Di Vinci. He’s just written a book about that man.

SUBWAY SWAT TEAM CHANGE
It’s been little known to our ridership, but on the second floor of the Hamptons Subway building on Ponquogue Avenue in Hampton Bays, is our very own heavily armed SWAT team known as the SS (for Subway SWAT), ready to come down the fire pole to their waiting troop carrier in the garage below to race off to anywhere in our system where “trouble” occurs. Carrying assault weapons, hand grenades, flame throwers and bazookas, they are here in three shifts and so are available 24 hours a day. Our SS has been in place here in the Hamptons since 1996 but has never had to be deployed, and so two of the three shifts are being shut down as an economy measure. Trouble is only expected during the night hours anyway. So feel safe then, 10 p.m. to 7 a.m.

SUBWAY SCHEDULE CHANGE
Workmen will be cleaning the tracks on the B line on Tuesday afternoon resulting in a suspension of service between North Sea and Noyac for one hour between 4 p.m. and 5 p.m. As there is no other public transit available there, just wait on the platform until service is restored.

EXPRESS TRAIN PLAN IS ABANDONED
Since the beginning, Hamptons Subway has had only trains stopping at every station and no trains that skip stations to provide a faster express service for people in a hurry. Two years ago, Hamptons Subway hired a consulting firm to determine the feasibility of having express service that would stop only at Montauk, East Hampton, Southampton and Westhampton Beach. It could save half an hour. The firm’s 400-page report was presented to management this week and unfortunately concludes that because there is only a single track each way on the system, trains that go faster and skip stops would crash into the backs of local trains that don’t.

MOUNTAIN LION
A mountain lion was spotted on the East Quogue platform last Thursday. Be on the lookout for it. Mountain lions were in great abundance on eastern Long Island during the Paleolithic era many years ago, but recent human development has made sightings of them very rare in these parts. If you see one, please report it immediately to any subway employee noting the day, time and on what platform, so our environmentalists can document the mountain lion’s location. But for heaven sakes don’t try petting one. That’s how they were driven away to near extinction years ago as they fled such human contact. Also they could bite your arm off.

PRIZES FOR HAMPTONS SUBWAY
At the National Subway Awards Ceremony in Las Vegas last week, Hamptons Subway received low grades in its class (small town subways) for on-time service, but this was made up for by giving an award for the most well traveled subway commissioner to our very own Commissioner Bill Aspinall who has been giving advice to mayors around the world, on all six continents, even Antarctica, about whether a subway would be a good idea for their town, region or state. We are proud to have such a knowledgeable commissioner. What would we do without him?

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Hamptons Subway junior management has thanked me for my award here in Las Vegas which balances the low ratings in other areas. It’s been a pleasure. Incidentally, I won nearly $450 at the tables. The most ever.

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