Dan Rattiner's Stories

Government Shutdown Ends

Hamptons Mayor Helps Federal Government Come to a Solution

The partial shutdown of the Federal Government came to an end last night when Congress and the President signed a bill that will create a wall of privet hedges along the entire length of the border with Mexico. The privet hedges will be obtained by digging up the hedgerows bordering all residential properties in the Hamptons.

The work will begin immediately and should be completed by the end of the week. As for the shutdown, it ends Monday.

This solution was brokered by Harris Breckenridge, the Mayor of the Hamptons, armed with a new local law, passed over the weekend: It is now illegal to have privet hedges bordering private homes in the Hamptons, and current hedgerows must be immediately removed. Not only do the hedgerows block everyone’s views of celebrity homes, but they grow to 10 feet, stay evergreen year around and cannot be either gotten through or climbed over.

Mayor Breckenridge flew to Washington, made his presentation and everyone shook hands all around.

“This new law is a winner for us,” said Democrat Nancy Pelosi. It will be beautiful.”

“Solves the problem, and cheaply,” said Republican Mitch McConnell.

“It’s a deal,” said President Trump.

Workers from the Department of Transportation are already trucking the first hundred miles of hedgerows down to the border. The wall of hedgerows should be completed by the coming weekend.

The tens of thousands of wealthy people who have bordered their properties with hedgerows for privacy reasons should not be concerned, though. Once the hedgerows are all gone and paid for—the Hamptons receives $9 billion—the law will be rescinded.

“Most of our wealthy are either traveling or in Palm Beach this time of year,” the Mayor said. “Their private homes in the Hamptons should be naked to the world for the next few months. But we’ll rescind the law in early April so landscapers can plant new hedgerows to replace the old in time for Memorial Day, when the wealthy return for the summer.

As for the federal funds paying for this, the Mayor said most of the money will be used to pay off the debt that Hamptons Township accrued over years of mismanagement.

A 10% finders fee goes to the Donald Trump Charitable Trust Fund to seal the deal. It is receiving the funds just before shutting down.

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