Dan Rattiner's Stories

Jokes: Flat Earthers, Royal Spiders, Tofu, Weight Loss and More

Dan finds the funny in a variety of subjects.

The Flat Earth Society now has members from all around the world.


The spiders that live in Buckingham Palace now are probably the descendants of the spiders that lived there during Victorian times—it’s a whole parallel royal family.


I don’t mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes.


A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.


Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk through nine feet of shag carpet to change the TV channel.


Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce, cheese and pepperoni. Okay, fine, it was a pizza. I ATE A PIZZA, knock it off!


How to prepare Tofu: A) Throw it in the trash. B) Grill some meat.


Just after the gravesite ceremony was finished, there was a flash of lightning accompanied by a tremendous burst of rumbling thunder. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, “Well, she’s there, and it’s his problem now.”


A Jewish grandmother was out on the beach, playing with her 6-year-old grandson, when suddenly a big wave crashed up the beach and sucked the boy out into the sea. The grandmother yelled and screamed to no avail, and then, looking up, she said, “God, if you are up there, return my grandson.” And 20 seconds later a second big wave crashed in, carrying the boy onto the sand. The woman looked at the boy, then looked up sternly. “He had a hat,” she said.


My goal for 2018 was to lose 10 pounds. I now have only 15 more to go.

Dog on telephone
Photo: damedeeso/123RF

Dog walks into a Western Union office and says he wants to send a telegram. Agent grabs a pencil. Looks at the dog.

“I’m ready,” he says.

“Woof, woof….woof….woof, woof, woof…woof…woof, woof. ”

The agent looks up. “That’s nine words,” he says. “I can give you the 10th word free.”

“No thanks,” the dog says. “That would change the meaning.”

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