The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of March 7–13, 2019

Commissioner Aspinall held a rally this week, blaming opponents for his shortcomings.

Week of March 7–13, 2019
Riders this past week: 42,513
Rider miles this past week: 111,645

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Pulitzer Prize–winning author Colson Whitehead was seen traveling from Sag Harbor to Bridgehampton on Thursday morning. Another Pulitzer Prize-winner, Jules Feiffer, was seen traveling from North Haven to Sag Harbor on his way to a celebration of his 90th birthday at Bay Street on Friday, February 8. Madonna was seen traveling from Water Mill to Southampton on Thursday afternoon reading a book on horse grooming.

CONTEST
Riders of the Hamptons Subway will be asked to vote to select the best Subway platform in the system. The contest will be conducted online for one month, from March 15 to April 15, at which time a winner will be announced. Is it the Southampton platform with its “turbo” button on the handrail which, when pressed by any rider, speeds up the escalators at that platform for the next 60 seconds? Is it the Napeague platform with its live shellfish wetlands display on the westbound side? Or is it the Georgica platform with the wine and cheese, Champagne and caviar buffet, overseen by a butler and string quartet?

Anyone can vote for their favorite platform, but special weight in the contest will be given to those who get the special Blue Ballot, handed out by token booth clerks only to those riders who can show photographs of 14 platforms on their cell phones, proving they have visited all 14 of them. Blue Ballots are equal to 100 regular online ballots. And remember, when entering online, you must present a photo of your photo ID so we can make sure you are not voting more than once. First prize is a huge evergreen wreath with fake red cherry bunches on it, which will hang over the main entrance on the sidewalks of the winning platform. Contest winners will be announced on May 1 with Commissioner Aspinall himself giving out the big wreath in the lobby of the Hamptons Subway building on Ponquogue Avenue in Hampton Bays at noon.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL HOLDS A RALLY
Our Commissioner is not running for any office, but last Monday he held a rally in the front lobby of the Hamptons Subway building that drew a crowd so big that many of the cheering supporters had to stand outside on the sidewalk listening to him over a loudspeaker system. The Commissioner strutted around on a raised platform at the front of the lobby, chest out and chin high, banging a table with his fist and blaming all the shortcomings of the Hamptons Subway on his opponents—the New York Subway system, various government investigators, the fake media, members of the liberal elite and members of a particular “South of the Border” nationality who are as it put it, making it unsafe for real American subway riders while standing in the way of the many improvements he has in mind which he says would Make Hamptons Subway Great Again if only they hadn’t tied his hands.

“Release my bonds,” he shouted, after which the oomph band played and he threw free yellow baseball caps out to the adoring crowd, which fought hard among themselves to get one. At the end of the rally, many admirers followed him to his private limousine to wish him safe journey for the trip back to his oceanfront home. At his home, amazingly, two were found still clutching the back car bumper in some sort of excited state. They were gently pried off and sent on their way.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
It’s a great pleasure for the people to meet me. I will announce more rallies in the coming weeks.

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