Police Blotter

Russian Military’s Beluga Whale Sparks Fresh Ideas for Hamptons Police

The harnessed marine mammal off Norway could start an aquatic animal arms race locally.

An aquatic animal and marine mammal arms race may be underway following the discovery of a beluga whale wearing a Russian camera harness off the coast of Norway on Friday, April 26.

Norwegian fishermen near the village of Inga were approached by a the white whale, which swam between boats and attempted to get their attention, likely due to the tight harness on its body. The men snapped photographs of the whale before they entered the frigid water and removed its harness, which featured mounts for GoPro video cameras on each side and the words “Equipment of St. Petersburg.” Experts concluded the whale and its harness were products of the Russian Navy in Murmansk, which has been known to train belugas for special military operations. This got the Hamptons Police Department thinking.

“Can we train great white sharks? Can we train the much larger local finback whales to devour tiny Russian beluga whales, should the need arise? What can we strap onto these creatures? If a beluga can carry two cameras, could an 80-foot finback whale carry a missile?” Hamptons Police spokesman Larry Hirsch asked on Sunday, thinking aloud and noting similar systems, which were added to weaponize local deer illegally back in 2014.

“Clearly these are just questions at the moment, but we’re always trying to stay at the forefront of strategic defense and reconnaissance technologies,” he continued, pointing out the successful Hamptons Police Department Submarine program, acquired in 2015. “We’ve found that thinking outside the box has resulted in some of our most powerful advancements. It wasn’t that long ago that a Russian spy ship was seen near our waters, so who’s to say a strapped beluga won’t be next?”

The Hamptons Police Department is exploring the matter and seeking advice from area marine biologists. “Expect to hear more in the coming weeks,” Hirsch said.

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