The Hamptons Police Department sent out a public alert warning residents that Florida Man is heading north, leaving a trail of chaos and destruction as he makes his way toward a Hamptons summer rental. The alert, texted to all local cellphones, reads as follows:
“RESIDENTS BEWARE! By some miraculous twist of fate, America’s most famous contemporary criminal and troublemaker, Florida Man, has secured an oceanfront summer rental between Two-Mile Hollow and Egypt Beach in East Hampton from Memorial Day to Labor Day 2019. This offender is well known for a wide array of deviant crimes and offenses that appear regularly in “Strange But True” features throughout the World Wide Web and blogosphere. As a police force, we are too dignified to list his distressing and multifarious acts, but a simple Google search of his name will reveal all. Do not approach this man or attempt to communicate with him in any way.”
According to HPD sources, Florida Man was most recently arrested for a distressing bumper sticker on the rear window of his truck, but he was quickly released and is now threatening to sue. Among his daily crimes in January, Florida Man attacked a McDonald’s employee for not giving him a straw—a problem considering our local straw ban; he beat and pepper sprayed his mother because “she was a narcissist”; did donuts on a local airport runway; and robbed a Chinese restaurant at fingerpoint, among many other incidents.
In February, between leading police on a wild golf course chase after believing someone was eating his brains, and being caught with cocaine-stuffed Lunchables, Florida Man managed to take two days off from the mayhem, but he failed to avoid trouble on every other day. He has continued on like this through March, April and May, and in spite of our beautiful beaches, Hamptons police don’t expect him to change during his stay here.
One local source, a Facebook friend of Florida Man, says the Southerner intends to visit a relative on Shelter Island this summer. Police have a good guess as to who that relative is, but the relation is not confirmed.
The biggest question, of course, is how Florida Man—a guy who regularly steals from Walmart and starts fistfights at fast food restaurants—managed to secure a rental few business titans could afford.
“We’re talking a long look at this guy,” Hamptons Police spokesman Larry Hirsch said this week. “Our guys are turning over every rock and looking behind every curtain. Either some wealthy resident is playing a cruel joke on the community by inviting Florida Man here, or he’s much, much richer than anyone could have imagined,” Hirsch continued. “Whatever the answer, we will find it.”