The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of June 20–26, 2019

Commissioner Aspinall is considering retiring to the bounty hunter life.

Week of June 20–26, 2019
Riders this past week: 49,988
Rider miles this past week: 178,412

DOWN IN THE TUBE
A Donald Trump look-a-like, or maybe it was him, was seen handing out free hats reading Make America Great Again, on the subway on Friday heading from Southampton to Shinnecock. After handing out each hat, he said he would need to be paid $20. Everyone complied. He’s the man, after all. Also seen on the subway was John Catsimatidis, the billionaire who ran for Mayor of New York City in the last election. He was going west from Quogue to Quiogue last Saturday afternoon. Also riding the subway last week were former mayors David Dinkins, Rudolph Giuliani and Michael Bloomberg, talking shop while heading eastbound from North Sea.

BAD AIR
A team of environmentalists on the Southampton platform were seen using equipment to measure air quality there and when subway security guards found they lacked any permits from subway management they were quickly detained and frog-walked up the escalators and out into the street. We don’t need anybody to tell us our air on the platforms is not quite up to snuff. We know this already. Who is paying these people?

PUSHERS
With the labor shortage and the new laws limiting college students from abroad coming for the summer, we’ve had to cancel our “pusher” program where college kids, mostly from Sweden, dress themselves up with bulletproof vests, helmets and boxing gloves to hurry the crowds of subway goers onto and also off the subway cars at the stations. We now have to count on subway-goers who are familiar with this program in prior years to pick up the cudgels.

If you are one of these and want to help out, go to the Hamptons Subway office on Ponquogue Road in Hampton Bays and get the helmet and other gear that fit. We also have a pamphlet about the pusher program you might want to read. Feel free to keep the pamphlet and gear for as long as you want, but you will have to remember to return it all after the Labor Day weekend when the volunteer program is at an end. And thank you in advance.

THE MOTORMAN SHORTAGE
As we mentioned two weeks ago, we’ve been looking for licensed motormen since half our motormen, failing to get pay increases, have gone on strike for the summer. We haven’t had much luck so far, so we are lowering the requirements. If you just have a drivers’ license—any state will do—or a learner’s permit or a willingness to learn to get a permit, please contact us at our company headquarters. There’s just one week left before the Fourth of July weekend when all hell will turn loose. Surely somebody will turn up.

THE VISIT
Everyone should dress well and look sharp next Saturday—this goes for customers as well as employees—when William O’Reilly, the Chairman of New York City’s Metropolitan Transit Authority comes to visit the Hamptons Subway system next Thursday. Our Subway Commissioner has his uniform cleaned, ironed and pressed. So it’s the least you can do.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
This is my 17th year as Commissioner and, frankly, I’m thinking of hanging up my spikes when the summer ends. Everyone is urging me to stay on, but you know how it is. I’m anxious to go back to the private sector, perhaps as a garbage collector or bounty hunter. I’ve been practicing those skills in anticipation of making this change. Collecting garbage and arresting bounties and also being a TV judge like Judge Judy have been my hearts desire for a long, long time. Shouldn’t put this off much longer.

READ MORE HAMPTONS SUBWAY

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