The rumors are true. Hamptons Police Department personnel were on full alert this week after learning that infamous Shelter Island troublemaker Old Man McGumbus—a 105-year-old former Chief Parachute Silk Decorator in WWII, and founder of the Men Seeking Keening Women dating app—was out of hiding and on the prowl with his new best friend, Florida Man.
According to Hamptons Police spokesman Larry Hirsch, McGumbus dug out of his underground bunker on Shelter Island early Tuesday morning after nearly five years of subsisting on dried meats and maintaining almost no contact with the outside world. “It seems Florida Man, a notorious character from the Sunshine State, is indeed in the Hamptons this summer, and from what we understand, he went to see McGumbus and convinced him to emerge from his little iron warren late Monday night,” Hirsch says. “Several hours after he agreed to come out, McGumbus was miraculously able to walk off the beach with little help from Florida Man, and the two went out to a series of local bars, eventually landing in Sag Harbor where they proceeded to get stinking drunk.”
Multiple witnesses say the pair did “a lot of back slapping and ‘I love you, man’ bonding” before things took a darker turn. By the time bars closed at 4 a.m. Wednesday morning, they had missed the last ferry back to Shelter Island and did not want to wait until the service started again at 5:40 a.m.
“Both McGumbus and Florida man boarded a large yacht docked at Long Wharf and attempted to commandeer it for a ride home,” Hirsch explains. “Fortunately for us, they chose the wrong yacht.” The mutineers, who thought they would simply make their demands heard and intimidate the yacht’s captain to accede, were not expecting to be met by well-known professional wrestling heel and gun aficionado Francis Balanger, aka Lieutenant Bloodlust.
“Well, Mr. Balanger, owner and captain of the S.S. Sanguinator, made quick work of McGumbus and Florida Man, but something incredible happened in the process,” Hirsch says, recounting the unbelievable course of events. “It turns out the three had a lot in common, and before long they were raiding the galley for bourbon, drinking together and hatching plans for new adventures on the high seas.”
Police received four separate distress calls from the yacht after McGumbus and Florida Man boarded, but by the time officers arrived at Long Wharf, they could only watch as the large boat sped away. The distraught crew members who called them were left ashore with no ride home and a wild tale to tell.