The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of August 15–21, 2019

A shoplifter ended up winning our 100,000th rider contest. It didn't go well.

Week of August 15–21, 2019
Riders this past week: 53,972
Rider miles this past week: 168,988

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Former New York Subway Commissioner Peter Kalikow was seen with our Hamptons Subway Commissioner Bill Aspinall riding from Amagansett out toward Montauk last Wednesday morning. They were talking about the new Gurney’s Star Island Resort that opened where the old Montauk Yacht Club used to be. Alec Baldwin and his wife Hilaria were seen riding from East Hampton to Sag Harbor last Monday afternoon.

FUGITIVE CAUGHT
Colin Renittar, formerly the marketing director for Heinz Catsup and now the marketing director for the Hamptons Subway, is to be complimented for last Wednesday’s award ceremony on the Southampton platform, where our 100,000th rider was identified and presented with a frozen turkey for the win. Renittar and two of his assistants were at the turnstiles there, counting up toward the magic number as the passengers came through. Then the bell sounded, they pulled this young man rushing through out of the crowd, stuck the golden crown on his head and then asked him to identify himself as the cameras rolled.

He refused. Then he tried to run away, but the assistants caught him, dragged him back, the turkey got shoved into his arms and then the police came running down the escalators and put him under arrest for shoplifting five Patek Phillipe watches from a glass case inside a prominent jewelry store on Main Street, which were found in his pockets. Our 100,000th rider was identified as Biff Hickenloop from Great Neck. When told he had to give the turkey back, he did without quarrel and then was hauled off by the officers. The posting of the arrest on YouTube went viral. Over a half million people now know more about Hamptons Subway, and it was our new marketing director’s doing. Well done, sir.

THAT TARGET
Riders on the eastern side of the Bridgehampton platform couldn’t help but notice the large archery target with the alternating red and white circles standing up on the westbound platform when they went off to work on Monday morning. It had many puncture holes in it, but no arrows. What was it all about?

As everyone knows—it’s been the talk of the Hamptons—on July 1, Commissioner Aspinall decided to arm the Hamptons Subway Security Police with military Smith & Wesson M&P 15 assault rifles. None have been fired in anger thus far, but the young men on the force have been itching to do so and so the Commissioner allowed that a gunnery competition could be held last Sunday night on the Bridgehampton platform. Who could fire the most bullets in eight seconds? Permission was granted for the contest to take place at 2 a.m. on Monday morning when the subway system closes for maintenance—and all 22 officers competed by firing the weapons at an archery target.

Anyway, the winner was Butch Harrison of Ronkonkoma whose high total won him the 10 six-packs of Coors Light, there set up on a banquet table—and as everyone hoped he would he announced the beer was on him for which it was heartily enjoyed by all. And the archery target? It was so full of lead it could not be moved, even by the whole crowd of young men who tried. It was only around 11 a.m. when a forklift was able to get down to it to haul it away to—God knows where.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
I call this a good week for the Hamptons Subway. And the increase to $3 a ride has been accepted by our riders without a peep. Congratulations to all.

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