Week of August 29–September 4, 2019
Riders this past week: 66,666
Rider miles this past week: 217,812
DOWN IN THE TUBE
Amanda Hearst and Breanna Schultz were seen riding the subway from Southampton to Water Mill last Wednesday afternoon each carrying a small puppy. Actors Scarlett Johansson and Ellen Pompeo were seen traveling from East Hampton to Sag Harbor on Monday morning. Gianna Willis of the Shinnecock Indian Nation was seen on the Hamptons Subway on Tuesday going from Hampton Bays to Shinnecock. She will soon be competing in the Miss New York USA contest, hoping to go for the Miss USA title.
Hamptons Subway ordered the Ajax Pest Control Service into all the tunnels last Monday night to track down what was reported to be bugs in the tunnels. No bugs were found, but the exterminators did find dozens of surveillance cameras—bugs of another sort—not put there by Hamptons Subway. We believe they were put there by the New York City Subway system and we are taking appropriate action.
As an experiment, green accelerator buttons have been installed at the street level of the Bridgehampton down escalators where you get on. When riders start down an escalator and hear the train rumbling into the station below, they simply press the button and the escalator speeds up to double speed for the next seven seconds to make it possible for the rider—and all other riders—to make the train. If successful, buttons will be installed on all down escalators.
HAMPTON SUBWAY DAY
Ms. Filene is also proud to announce that Monday, September 23 will be Hamptons Subway Day, a new annual national holiday. She has nothing planned for it just yet. It’s just an announcement.
A scale model of our subway system is now for sale at all toy stores throughout the Hamptons. It comes with a shovel. Children use the shovel to dig a trench on the front lawn of their home for a distance of 26 feet, assemble the plastic parts with other tools, and then bury everything in the trench. It features tunnels leading to four platforms—Montauk, Amagansett and East Hampton—and when completed can be continued further under the lawn with extensions for platforms underground for Bridgehampton, Southampton, Hampton Bays and Westhampton.
Our new marketing director, Brenda Filene, who formerly held that job at Uber, has ordered a new attraction on certain platforms. Submarine periscopes have been purchased from government surplus and on Tuesday will be available for claustrophobes to watch sunsets in Hampton Bays, Montauk Lighthouse, Noyac and Sag Harbor from below.
They will be protected inside metal military casings for much of the day—the casings will feature advertisements from local restaurants, theaters and so forth and so on—and with the press of a remote from Hamptons Subway headquarters in Hampton Bays one hour before sunset will open and beam the periscopes up into the ceilings and out onto the sidewalks 10 feet up so people below can watch sunsets. They will shut down 20 minutes after sunset. The viewings are free. Just get in line. It’s 30 seconds a look. Sunglasses and shots of brandy are available.
COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Since the Hamptons Subway was built in 1927, an emergency cord has run high up along the inside wall of all subway cars. Pull it and the train comes to a screeching halt. Because teenagers misused this, the cords have been disabled since 2016. Now, finally, to avoid temptation, they will all be removed over the next few months.