The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of September 5–11, 2019

Custodial arts legend Slatislav “Oil Can” Zlykantov will be tending to our train cars next week.

Week of September 5–11, 2019
Riders this past week: 38,221
Rider miles this past week: 143,032

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Tyler Winklevoss, one of the twins who helped found Facebook at Harvard and then sold their stock for eight figures, or something like that, instead of eleven figures, was seen traveling from Montauk to Southampton on Tuesday afternoon. At the same time the other Winklevoss, Cameron Winklevoss, was seen traveling from Southampton to Montauk. They must have passed one another going in opposite directions around Amagansett. Was each trying to get to the other?

“OIL CAN” ZLYKANTOV
All next week, from Monday to Friday, Slatislav “Oil Can” Zlykantov will be traveling through the subway cars in his signature straw hat and overalls tightening seats that squeak, vacuuming the dust and dirt caught in the air vents, oiling the coupling hooks that keep the subway trains together and otherwise getting matters ship-shape for the long winter ahead. Zlykantov’s firm “Oil Can Flotsam & Jetsum” has been hired to do these chores after each summer season for the last 22 years. At the end of each week, he presents us with a long bill of the things he has fixed up and we promptly pay him.

If you see him on the subway and he asks you to get up and move to a seat on the other side so he can get at some chewing gum under your seat, just do it. But don’t touch him. He eats, tinkers, sleeps and fixes things while covered with grease, gasoline, oil, tape, both Elmer’s and Gorilla Glue and oily rags. You get stain on your clothes at your peril. Best to just smile, salute and move off when he tells you. He does speak a little English, but his native tongue is Kazakslovi. If you know a little Kazakslovi, it would cheer him up to talk with you a bit. But keep your distance. Instead of shaking his hand when its time to leave, just smile and give him a smart salute.

NEWSLETTER ANNIVERSARY COMING
This particular weekly Hamptons Subway newsletter is our 599th. Next week will be the 600th. From the beginning, all have been reprinted in Dan’s Papers at no charge because of a long ago agreement, which we still honor. We are proud of our partnership with Dan’s Papers. Good things sometimes come of it. For example, in our 412th newsletter, we learned from a Dan’s Papers customer survey we authorized that all the lightbulbs on the lead engines of the train were not bright enough to be seen from more than 130 feet away. So we replaced all the headlights on the front of each subway car with higher wattage bulbs. This is what comes with this kind of partnership. We would not change it for the world.

METS TOUR THE SUBWAY
Last Wednesday was a day off from playing baseball for the New York Mets. Instead of going out to practice at Citi Field that day, the whole squad of 52 players in full uniform and with baseballs, bats and mitts, came out to the Hamptons to ride our subway and see the sights. The next night the gang was back at Citi Field, where they beat the Phillies 12 to 2. Go Mets.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Our new marketing director Allentown Snagakokus had life-size cardboard poster of the front end of a subway car set up last week, one to a platform, on all platforms so those wishing to take selfies of themselves about to be run over could do so. We had intended this display last only for the week, but the posters are so popular we are extending this promotion into next week.

READ MORE HAMPTONS SUBWAY

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