Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of October 3–9, 2019

By Dan Rattiner

4 minute 10/07/2019

Hamptons Subway Shinnecock Nation Station sign — Hamptons Subway will open Shinnecock Nation Station soon, Photo: Jaroslav Frank/123RF

Week of October 3–9, 2019
Riders this past week: 34,813
Rider miles this past week: 122,812

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Author Dava Sobel, a copy of The Glass Universe in tow, took the subway from EHampton to Springs on Friday morning. JayZ and JLo were both seen on the subway heading westbound between BHampton and WMill on Friday afternoon.

TRUMP FUNDRAISER
Customers coming down to the platforms last Wednesday morning at 6 a.m. were astonished to see candy wrappers, empty whiskey bottles, high-heeled shoes filled with champagne and other trash both in the cars and on all the platforms.

What had happened after the subway system shut down at 2 a.m. for the regular nightly maintenance was that Donald Trump had gone out to the Montauk Yards with members of his staff, gave an executive order to seize control of the subway system and take all the trains assembled there for the nightly cleaning out onto the tracks for continuous runs around the system picking up his supporters who had now begun to party on all the platforms. He said it was a national emergency, but at the end of the night said that he had collected nearly $100 million from his supporters and it was “America’s Greatest Fundraiser,” beating all other fundraisers combined.

“There are great people in the Hamptons,” he said. “Great people. Some of my best friends are Hamptonites.”
As for cleaning up before the subway system reopened for the day at 6, he said at 5:45 that he would “leave that to all the Democrats and of course they will screw it up.” And of course then there was the mess for the passengers a few minutes later.

HALLOWEEN MISTAKE
Due to a printing error, both online and on all the posters, people showed up all day Monday, September 30, in costumes ranging from Good Fairies to Draculas, Ghosts and Goblins looking to win the contest prizes given out on that last day of the month.

Later, our new marketing director, Hazel Nutbutter, said she considered the display “a good preview” of what the judges will have to consider on the last day of October when the party actually will occur.

SHINNECOCK REQUEST
We are proud to announce that beginning next April, Hamptons Subway will be opening a new subway stop between Southampton and Hampton Bays to be called Shinnecock Nation. Stay tuned for updates on the new station.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
The seizing of the subway system by Donald Trump was done without approvals from my office. However, I was delighted to learn after it was over that his excellency was giving the Subway $20 million for a complete makeover, which he later told me was just for me personally because “I look shabby and shopworn and should get more expensive clothes, a Maserati and other perks such as a porn star for a visit.”

I told him I was happily married and there would be no porn star, but I’d take the rest. President Donald Trump is a good man. He has my vote. And of course he’s going to help out further with my Commissioner re-election campaign for my 12th consecutive term. Trump is a great man.

I just received a letter from the House of Representatives about something. I haven’t read it yet. But it better be good.