The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of October 25–31, 2019

Demonstrators demanded that the Hamptons Subway offer a Mecox stop.

Week of October 25–31, 2019
Riders this past week: 25,813
Rider miles this past week: 96,512

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Anjelica Huston, Lorraine Bracco and John Varvatos were seen on the Hamptons Subway heading to Montauk from Amagansett last Saturday night while humming “Margaritaville.” Jimmy Buffett was performing at Surf Lodge that night. Robert Downey Jr. was on the East Hampton to Bridgehampton run on Thursday night. He told our spotter it was as much fun as flying. Cynthia Nixon and Andrew Cuomo were seen traveling in opposite directions on subway trains operating between Southampton and Water Mill on Friday afternoon.

CONTRACT NEGOTIATIONS
The contract between the Hamptons Subway and the Hamptons Subway maintenance department expired last week and negotiations opened on a bad note. Hamptons Subway Commissioner Bill Aspinall accused the union of looking the other way when employees put in for massive amounts of overtime. Aspinall said he understood that all waking hours needed to be paid for with overtime when they are not actually at work, but he said the deal in the past was that it would begin after they brushed their teeth in the morning, not before. A strike could be in the offing.

MECOX RESIDENTS DEMONSTRATE
Nearly 40 residents of Mecox stopped the train service by walking down onto the tracks in the tunnel between Bridgehampton and Water Mill demanding that the Hamptons Subway offer a Mecox stop. They carried signs reading MECOX FOREVER, but for two demonstrators it will not be forever because both of them stepped onto the third rail, which they were warned not to do. All together, the system had to be shut down for an hour and 45 minutes, and it was the largest subway delay since January 14, 2003. We regret the delay.

HALLOWEEN RULES
As a special promotion on Halloween night, our new marketing director, Frederick Freelance, formerly marketing director of Trump’s Doral Golf Resort, has put together a promotion offering free passage through the turnstile to anyone dressed up in a gorilla suit. It is Part Two of the promotion. Part One was the Hamptons Subway Underground International Film Festival two weeks ago when, in competition with the Hamptons International Film Festival, the underground festival showed all 23 known King Kong movies, including prequels and sequels on all our platforms for those five days. On Halloween night at midnight the best gorilla will be chosen and given a free one-year pass on the subway, as long as he dresses in the gorilla suit.

G7 MEETING
When President Donald Trump announced that his Doral Golf Club in Florida would host the next Meeting of the G7 International bankers, critics howled that it was a further example of the President abusing the power of his office. In defense, Trump’s press secretary said Doral was the by far the place they had considered. In the end, the decision to hold the meeting at Doral was reversed, so the other three places are now back on the table. Hamptons Subway is far better than the two other competitors—the Burning Man desert site in California and the Staten Island Dump. So don’t be surprised if the location selected for the G7 Meeting is Hamptons Subway.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
After hours when the subway closed last Friday, a daredevil named Wild Bill Horton, with our permission, went to the Montauk Yards, boarded a train all gassed up for him, pushed the pedal to the metal and drove nonstop from Montauk to Westhampton Beach and back in 1 hour, 17 minutes and 53 seconds without stopping. It breaks the prior record by a minute and 12 seconds. Bravo, Mr. Horton.

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