The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of November 8–14, 2019

The far left turnstile on every platform now accepts bitcoin.

Week of November 8–14, 2019
Riders this past week: 14,812
Rider miles this past week: 53,902

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Violinist Itzhak Perlman was seen riding the subway while carrying a violin case from North Haven to Sag Harbor last Saturday night. Also Saturday night, Saturday Night Live producer Lorne Michaels was seen with former East Hampton resident Chevy Chase, who now lives in Buck’s County, traveling from Montauk to Amagansett. They were trading shaggy dog stories. One of our other spotters—we do have a slew of them who go out every day to see who famous is riding the subway—was butt-dialed Saturday night by Rudy Giuliani while on the subway between Westhampton Beach and Quogue, and ran around looking for him from car to car but never found him.

BITCOIN
Trying to stay ahead of the curve, our beloved Commissioner Aspinall, over the almost unanimous objections of his board of directors, has modified the far left turnstile on every platform to accept bitcoin. They’ve been in place on every platform since last Thursday, but so far nobody has ever used one, as far as we can tell. Aspinall is going to reduce the fare for bitcoin users from two bitcoin to one, hoping that will make it more popular.

MONOPOLY
Many billionaires live in the Hamptons, keeping a low profile, and Hamptons Subway is aware of them and their requests for anonymity but has nevertheless shown appreciation for their quietly being on board by presenting each of their children under the age of 11—we know all their ages—a game of Monopoly. It includes a card requesting that parents refrain from playing monopoly with their children while onboard, because wayward dice, Community Chest cards and pieces representing players have caused actionable slippage to some of the non-billionaire users of the subway in the aisle, resulting in them asking us discreetly to ask the billionaires to hold off until they get home. It’s just a suggestion.

ART SHOW
As you know, Hamptons Subway was proud to announce the opening last week of the Hamptons Subway art show. It was intended that this would be the first of what everyone hoped would be many. What happened, however, was unexpected. Our first art show was by Rizzoli Banatelli, a famous photographer worldwide, originally from Florence, who now lives on Sutton Place in Manhattan, whose mammoth show—it was on the walls of each of our 22 station platforms, a collection of 432 of his great framed photographs—of the passengers of all subway trains in America who have been aboard subway trains that crashed into other subway trains. It’s a gruesome study of blood and gore, ambulances and gurneys carried up the escalators by paramedics and various other efforts of heroism, that, according to The New York Times’ art critic “cannot fail to bring you to tears.”

Nevertheless, just 48 hours after the grand opening—which as a courtesy included the 24 that Banatelli spent sleeping off the intoxication he suffered from all the wine, and, we think, spicy cheese—it was ordered that his photographs be taken down, and he, Banatelli, be banned from Hamptons Subway for life. Also his mistress. It also resulted in the man who organized this show, Hamptons Subway marketing director Pignoli Astronomica, being fired after only two weeks on this job for having never looked at the art.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
The number of riders on the subway this past week has been unusually low when compared to last year and the year before. Therefore, we request that if you take a subway ride, be sure to take one again immediately so we can double up on the numbers. We hate to think of this as a trend.

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