Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of January 30–February 5, 2020

Week of January 30–February 5, 2020
Riders this past week: 132,088
Rider miles this past week: 89,412

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Cartoonist Jules Feiffer was seen traveling on the subway between North Haven and Sag Harbor last Thursday. David Letterman was seen traveling from Westhampton Beach to Quogue on Thursday sporting a long fake beard.

FEWEST RIDERS
The number of riders using the subway system last week sank to its lowest level since February 14–21, 1938. There seemed no reason for it. And so, the Commissioner turned to his brother Biff, the owner of Aspinall Surveys, who has often done statistical studies for Hampton Subway. The Aspinall Report, submitted early this morning, revealed that the number of people using the subway was actually at a record high, not a record low. Ridership last week totaled 132,088, not 37,932 as originally reported in the automatic turnstile count clicking each rider through every day. Stations are three miles apart. But if the earlier reported rider miles are correct, then each ride was less than half a mile long. This suggests that a second study be done on the rider miles for last week, since that is probably wrong, too. Stockholders for Hamptons Subway were cheered by the news and the price of Hamptons Subway stock soared.

SPECIAL SUBWAY SANDWICHES
The Subway restaurant chain, which has kiosks on all our platforms, announced today that for the month of February they will offer two new foot-longs—one of Munster cheese and mayonnaise with the face of Nancy Pelosi at both ends, and the other of baloney and barbecue sauce featuring the face of President Trump at both ends. The foot-longs will sell for $12.50 each.

WAINSCOTT BEACH?
The wind farm company Orsted has asked Hamptons Subway to dig a new tunnel from the regular Wainscott station on the Montauk Highway to a beachfront stop at a public beach pavilion they propose to build at the end of Beach Lane. As a result, the sizzling electric cable emanating from the new offshore wind farm will travel underground in safety next to the third rail in the tunnel to the existing inland electric grid for distribution of electricity throughout Long Island. Wainscotters seemed leery of this latest proposal.

SPIDERS AND BATS
Two large infestations of dangerous creatures were found by the maintenance crew last Wednesday night in the three-mile-long tunnel between Southampton and Water Mill. Both infestations were asleep. One was of 6,000 pink-bellied spiders, whose poisonous bite leads to instant death. The other was half a million black one-eyed bats, whose claws emit poison through small sacks the creatures have at their elbows.

The bats and spiders were about 50 yards apart and apparently, because they were sleeping, had not yet learned of the other’s presence. The maintenance men did not know what to do, until one of the men threw a piece of loose concrete between the two infestations. This awakened both groups, and while the maintenance people ran away, the spiders and bats attacked one another, leading to a massive and mutual fight to the death of both.

Environmentalists are expecting to make arrests of some of the maintenance men, who they expect to find with shovels and trash baskets cleaning up the corpses sometime
after midnight.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
As it has turned out, our ridership set a new record last week. Though the great crowds of people were hard to notice, they were there. We take a bow.

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