Grunt Bangers, Plume Honkers & Whistle Stripers of Local Football
One hour after the conclusion of the Southampton-Greenport football game last Saturday, the following document was found in the middle of Southampton’s Hampton Road. We reprint it here in its entirety.
REPORT ON INVASION PROSPECTS
FROM: SPACE SCOUT 27446
TO: Mars War Plan Control
Successful entry in Earth’s atmosphere achieved at 11 a.m., Earth time, September 22, 2023. Invisibility cloak established and landing achieved next to the high school on Hampton Road, Southampton. Here we encountered an enclave of Earthlings who were apparently typical of what might be found on other parts of the planet: green, leafy creatures that sway in the wind in irrational fashion and do not respond to usual stimuli. They seem to be of limited intelligence and would pose no resistance to proposed invasion.
Of more interest was a group of remarkable creatures attending some sort of event on this day. At least four different species were at this event, each with different plumage and different behavior pattern. As they seemed to be among the highest form of life on the planet, it is important we describe them so that War Plan Control can evaluate the threat they might pose.
The most impressive among the creatures was a group of what we came to call the “Grunt Bangers,” after the noises they make. The Grunt Bangers have hard heads made of round plastic material. They have extremely broad and hard shoulders, and some are affixed with arm bandages or padding. The species is clearly defined into males and females, although we were unable to tell which were which.
One sex has maroon-colored plastic heads with white stripes, the other blue heads with yellow stripes. The bodies of one are dressed in white while the bodies of the other are in blue.
The Grunt Bangers are an especially violent group, but their violence is entirely directed among themselves. The sexes line up facing one another, and, on a given signal, proceed to grunt and bang into one another. They try to cause each other damage, but due to their great natural armor, are unable to do so. At another signal, the Grunt Bangers stop their activities and become passive until another signal comes and they start again.
We were unable to see any way that the Grunt Bangers would be able to reproduce. They are highly erratic in their behavior, and, apparently, to keep track of one another, have giant numbers inscribed on their backs. We observed about 50 Grunt Bangers at this event, but only 11 males and 11 females participated at any one time. The others just stood around watching.
The signal provided to the Grunt Bangers, starting and stopping their mating rituals, came from a smaller group of creatures we called “Whistle Stripers,” again, after their sounds and plumage. The Whistle Stripers’ loud tweeting noises seemed to control the mating rituals. They were smaller than the Grunt Bangers, and though participating, stood carefully off to one side so as not to interfere.
They have white caps, white and black striped shirts, protruding bellies, big yellow handkerchiefs, and some sort of plastic stopper that is almost permanently stuck in their mouths, A string extends from this stopper and the Whistle Stripers occasionally remove the stopper for a breather, but they inevitably return it there. Most interesting about the Whistle Stripers is their behavior.
Occasionally, they flap their arms in the air. At other times, they stand perfectly still with one arm up and one arm out. Although only four Whistle Stripers were at this event, we believe they are the most important species on this planet. They often acted intelligently, although sometimes the others accused them of not having the foggiest notion of what they were doing.
Perhaps the most beautiful of the species present at this event were the “Sweater Bouncers,” evenly divided by sex, on either side. The males (or females) wore blue sweaters with the letter “S” on them. The females (or males) wore maroon sweaters with the letter “E” on them. All were handsome figures with short skirts, long hair and white teeth. The Sweater Bouncers smiled a lot.
They also bounced up and down in unison and chanted in unison, to no effect. During the event, the Sweater Bouncers stayed in one spot while the Grunt Bangers and the Whistle Stripers ran one way or another. We were unable to understand why this was so.
By far the largest number of any species present was the “Screamer Drinkers.” Highly disorganized and unkempt — we counted two thousand of them — they stood on the sidelines screaming, shaking their fists, and drinking from aluminum cylinders. We considered them to be the least intelligent of the species, perhaps the most erratic and possibly the most dangerous.
Oddly, the Screamer Drinkers were at their most irrational, shouting hysterically whenever the mating ritual of the Grunt Bangers threatened to go off one end of the field or the other. Two large white metal poles were in the ground at these ends, jutting up perhaps 30 feet. connected by a crossbar which supported them; we were unable to determine how these poles related to the mating ritual. Just there to contain the Grunt Bangers? We found no energizing devices. Perhaps they are religious objects. However, we did not feel qualified to investigate this further.
Among the packed herds of the Screamer Drinkers on each side of the field was one very organized, very disciplined species we called the “Plume Honkers.” The Plume Honkers sat in bleachers completely surrounded by Screamer Drinkers. We believe that those in this highly intelligent, extremely attractive species are, in fact, prisoners, or perhaps pets of the Screamer Drinkers.
The Plume Honkers stuck glittering metal objects up to their faces and played music upon occasion. They had plumed hats, brass buttons, jackets and chevrons on their sleeves. About halfway through this event, the Screamer Drinkers let the Plume Honkers go out on the field and march around to entertain them, but then shortly called them back to their places in the bleachers.
It is our belief that the creatures inhabiting the planet Earth would offer little or no resistance to an invasion by our military forces. The Earthlings lack intelligence, bear no modern arms, or show any signs of civilized life. Other than the Plume Honkers, who might see in our arrival some sort of salvation, we believe no species here would care one way or another about an invasion.
It is also our belief, however, that the conquest of Earth would be a useless enterprise. The creatures are completely engrossed in nonproductive enterprises. They bang into each other, tweet and toot, scream and cheer. Nothing seems to come of it. It would be virtually impossible to put any of these diverse creatures to useful work. Thus we conclude that the invasion enterprise should be abandoned.