Ask Beatty: When Your Happily Ever After Ends in Divorce

Nothing in life can be more devastating than when a couple realizes their marriage is finally over. Whether a couple has been married for a short or long period of time, divorce marks the end of their ‘happily ever after’ vision of spending a lifetime together—sharing each other’s hopes and dreams and loving each other throughout the inevitable ups and downs of life. In addition, the end of a marriage brings about significant changes and challenges emotionally, psychologically and financially. And when there are children involved, the process is even more upsetting and difficult. The reality is that the family unit will never again be the same. Two dwellings, visitation, child support, alimony and equitable distribution of finances are only some of the challenges that divorcing couples will have to face.

Like a death, most people go through a variety of stages and not in any particular order, beginning with shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. Ideally, both people can honestly say to themselves and to each other that they tried as best they could to mend the hurts, pains, anger and disappointments that occurred during the course of their marriage. Hopefully, both partners have come to some understanding about what went wrong and how each contributed to the end of the marriage. This knowledge is extremely important, since most people go on to marry more than once and unfortunately, divorce statistics in the United States for second and third and more marriages are equally disconcerting. Nearly 50% of first marriages end in divorce, while 67% of second marriages end, and 73% of third marriages are dissolved.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW THAT DIVORCE IS IMMINENT?

You’ve talked. You’ve argued. You’ve cried. You’ve gone to therapy (hopefully.) You’re now at the point where you both agree that your marriage is over. What’s important now is you and your spouse need to decide how well or how badly the two of you will divorce. Will you work with a mediator or a collaborative attorney, or will you try to destroy each other emotionally and financially? When emotions are high, it’s easy to make the wrong decisions.

For over 35 years I have worked with individuals and couples who have had troubled marriages. Few, I might add, chose the divorce track. The couples I have treated who did follow through with divorce made the rational decision to go through the process with the least amount of acrimony. They made the decision to stay out of court. They realized that at one time they did love each other, and although the marriage did not work out as they hoped, they nonetheless did not want to cause each other (and themselves) more pain and anguish. Naturally, there are situations where mediation is simply not going to work. Hopefully in these situations, the individuals will choose lawyers that will do everything possible to avoid needless emotional and
financial devastation.

HOW TO TELL YOUR CHILDREN

There is no easy way to tell your children that their mom and dad are getting a divorce. Research tells us that divorcing well is not only in the best interest of the couple, but that it is the ultimate gift to your children, your ex and yourself. Remember that children do better when they maintain close contact with both parents, so long as there is no concern about the children’s emotional, physical or sexual safety.

DOS AND DON’TS

You need to assure your children that they are loved, and that even though the family will no longer be living together they will still be spending lots of time (hopefully) with both parents.

Putting a viable parenting plan in place as soon as possible will help your children adjust to their new situation. It’s best if both parents can continue to live in the same neighborhood so that the children can attend the same school and maintain their current friendships and activities. I realize that there are times when this is simply not possible because of job relocation, etc. In situations like these, it’s ideal if mom and dad work together to try to help the children adjust to their new house, new room, new school, new friends and their brand-new life. Parents need to do their best to find ways to put their differences aside and behave in a manner that is in the best interest of their children.

If your children are having significant difficulties and are exhibiting symptoms of depression, anxiety, school phobia, suicidal ideation or threats of suicide, I strongly suggest that you find an experienced child therapist who can help both your child and the family better cope with their new reality.

LESSONS TO BE LEARNED

What have you learned about why your marriage failed? What have you learned about yourself? What role did you think you played that contributed to the end of your marriage? What have you learned about your soon-to-be ex?

It’s very easy to blame our partner for the difficulties in a relationship or marriage. The reality is that each of us plays a role—consciously or unconsciously—that contributes to the success or failure of our relationships. In moving forward, these questions need to be answered honestly, so as to avoid making the same or similar mistakes in the future.

Beatty Cohan, MSW, LCSW, AASECT is a nationally recognized psychotherapist, sex therapist, author of For Better for Worse Forever: Discover the Path to Lasting Love, national speaker, national radio and television expert guest and host of the weekly “Ask Beatty Show” on the Progressive Radio Network. She has a private practice in NYC and East Hampton.

Beatty would love to hear from you. You can send your questions and comments to her at BeattyCohan.msw@gmail.com. For more info, go to beattycohan.com.