Ask Beatty: Is It Time to Walk Away? Knowing When to Leave a Relationship

We all know that relationships are complicated, with dramatic ebbs and flows throughout one’s life. As a psychotherapist, I work with people every day who I encourage to try and work out their differences and conflicts in both their personal and professional relationships. For this to happen, the people involved must be, above all, sufficiently committed to wanting to preserve their relationship. The therapeutic goal is to try and find win/win resolutions to the various problems that wreak havoc on people’s lives.

Stephen Sondheim’s “The Little Things You Do Together” song poignantly describes how it’s the little things you share together, try together, date together, wink together, drink together that make relationships blossom and flourish. However, as we all know, not all relationships work out — nor are they meant to. There are relationships that never should have began in the first place. Abuse of any kind, including physical, emotional, financial or sexual, should never be tolerated under any circumstances. But, what to do when you’re simply not happy? There’s no abuse, but you still feel lonely and disconnected. You and your partner rarely ever talk or share physical touch, affection or emotional intimacy. You haven’t had sex in months, and in some cases, years. You understandably may begin to ask yourself: Is this all there is? Would I be better off alone?

CASE STUDY

Stacy is a 35-year-old married woman with two young children. She has been married to Austin, 38, for almost 10 years. She recently contacted me requesting individual therapy. When I met with her for our initial meeting, she told me that she has been depressed for many years and wants to feel better. She told me that she had a happy childhood and is still very close to her parents and siblings. She met her husband when they were both in graduate school. Both received their MBAs from Wharton and seemed to share similar interests and values. She also acknowledged that since the children were born, Austin has been more preoccupied with work and moving up the corporate ladder. He works long hours and is rarely home. And when he is home, he spends most of his time on his computer. They agreed that when the children were born that Stacy would take some time off from work for a couple of years and then return to her career as an investment banker. She has yet to do so. Austin tightly controls the finances and spends little time with Stacy or the children. They rarely, if ever, have sex.

Given what Stacy has told me, it’s no wonder why she’s feeling depressed! She has lost herself in her marriage, and inadvertently and unconsciously has agreed to a deal that is clearly not working for her and is not in her best interest. Her depression is situational. What to do?

TREATMENT PLAN

Stacy and I have been meeting on a regular weekly basis. She recently acknowledged that, even before she married Austin, she had doubts about their emotional and sexual compatibility. We all have experienced hearing that little voice inside of us that is trying to tell us something. Stacy heard it loud and clear, but, like many people, chose to ignore it. We rationalize. We second guess ourselves. We hope that they will change, and we ignore the red flags.

Since beginning therapy, Stacy now has clarity about why she is feeling depressed. She has agreed to ask Austin to come in for a session to talk about their marriage. He is not a fan of therapy or therapists. He hopefully cares enough about Stacy and their marriage to agree to attend at least one session. Stacy is now at a place in her life that, if nothing changes in her marriage, she will, with her family’s support, file for divorce.

UPDATE

Austin and Stacy had one joint session together with me. Unfortunately, Austin invalidated all of Stacy’s concerns and suggested that she see a psychiatrist. “You need medication,” he said. I tried to explain to him that in my professional opinion it was the situation that was causing Stacy’s depression, and that medication was not indicated. Austin was not interested in my opinion or in looking into himself in terms of how his own behavior was contributing to the difficulties in the marriage. He refused to participate in marriage counseling. Before our session ended, he excused himself and left. I never heard from Austin again. Stacy has continued her therapy with me and has recently hired a divorce attorney.

Beatty Cohan, MSW, LCSW, AASECT is a nationally recognized psychotherapist, sex therapist, author of For Better for Worse Forever: Discover the Path to Lasting Love, national speaker, national radio and television expert guest and host of the weekly Ask Beatty Show on the Progressive Radio Network. She has a private practice in NYC and East Hampton.

Beatty would love to hear from you. You can send your questions and comments to her at BeattyCohan.msw@gmail.com. For more info, go to beattycohan.com.