Hamptons Subway Has Good News All Around

Tina Fey and Beyoncè were seen talking together as they rode the subway between Westhampton Beach and Eastport. Or maybe that was just two Tina Feys.

RIDERSHIP UP

The ridership on the Hamptons Subway this week took a great leap up, as after the high winds and snow, the sun came out, the temperature rose, and more people decided to enjoy our underground facilities. “It’s great to be underground again,” one straphanger said, declining to give her name. “All that fine weather puts us in a happy mood and makes us want to go down into the subway system after experiencing it and wishing to take a break from it,” said Adrien Castellani, the brother-in-law of subway brakeman Hank Capaluli.

DETERMINED SPIDER

Riders may notice that the subway now slows down for a minute as it gets about halfway between Hampton Bays and Quogue. The reason is a spider web that blocks the way.  In prior weeks, the subway just roared through, tearing the web out without mercy. But then, the spider rebuilds it and the next train does it again. The spider, a large spotted axoinopenola funadrapa – harmless and friendly according to entomologists – has apparently learned to leap out of the way when he (or she) hears the train coming. He (or she) seems to think this is some sort of game. Actually, we don’t know what the spider is thinking.

In any case, environmentalists now tell us that we can neither go in there and remove the spider or have the train continue to rush through as we have done before. There is fear that the spider might not be fast enough to get out of the way one of these times.   So now we keep it slow. Look out the window. Perhaps you will catch a glimpse of the spider.

Delay

Riders on the E train between East Hampton and Amagansett were delayed for nearly an hour for repairs to a diesel engine that had fallen to the ground, stopping Train No. 6 halfway between the two stations. The passengers remained on the train during this time, as did other passengers delayed on all other trains directly behind for that amount of time.

Fred McPherson, the service manager for the subway, apologized to the public for this delay.

“I’m really sorry you all had to wait,” he said. “But these things happen. We told management that the bolt was loose and the engine was flopping around back in October. We told them again in November that it was getting worse, we told them in December that the whole diesel engine had now gotten into really bad shakes and in January when we reported that failure was imminent, we were told it was in the pipeline and the part would be in shortly, and there had been a paperwork mixup.  So then last Wednesday, boom. I’m not filling out any more paperwork.”

PLANNED STATION IMPROVEMENTS

One at a time, we propose to close each of the stations on our line for a month so that workmen can fix the gap, which exists between the edges of the platforms and trains as they come in. For years, it’s been a quiet little secret, as you know, agreed to by management, local authorities, local merchants and riders alike, that when someone falls down the gap, which happens an average of two times a year, no mention of the death is made so as not to upset potential visitors who might consider coming to our beloved community. Now management feels this is the time to fix this. If it is decided to go ahead with this, Bridgehampton will be the first station to be closed. During the month of July, people wishing to get to Bridgehampton will go up to the street and wait by the subway steps for the buses. The buses at 30-minute intervals will shuttle back and forth to Bridgehampton from Water Mill, Sag Harbor and Wainscott. Those wishing not to take the buses should be picked up by private car or walk. It’s a nice walk.

Since riders are part of the decision to keep deaths hush-hush, we invite their input. Please place your vote by emailing askdan@danspapers.com with a yes or no. We expect one or another of the stations will have to be shut down once a month for a year. Or should we postpone, leaving the status quo? Email us your vote and your comments. The project will be paid for with the bereavement money now paid to survivors, which will no longer have to be paid.

EDDIE FAY’S BIRTHDAY

Flagman Eddie Fay, who has been with the company for nine years, was given a surprise party to celebrate his 38th birthday when he came to our main office in Hampton Bays to punch in. He’s a popular guy and more than 20 of his friends attended, which, after the cake and presents and congratulations and all, made him late getting out to his post. Fortunately, there were no accidents with the trains.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

The spider, spinning his web over and over again in the tunnel between Hampton Bays and Quogue is truly an inspiration for us all. He shows what continued determination can achieve. His great size, he’s a giant axoinopenola funadrapa, shows what vigorous and continuous exercise can achieve, and most of all, he shows us what the wonders of nature can bring when Mother Nature truly sets her mind to it. Enjoy the spider as the train slows. He’s mostly outside the window on the north side when not at work.

Read more of Dan Rattiner’s stories.