Ask Beatty: What to Do When Your Happily Ever After Doesn't Go as Planned?

I remember as a very small child my parents would frequently read me fairy tales. I loved the stories — knowing that at the end, the characters would always live happily ever after. I often think of that line, given the reality that so many people today are struggling in a variety of ways, never finding their own “happily ever after.” Increasing rates of depression, anxiety, substance abuse of various kinds, family estrangement, domestic violence, suicide ideation and more make it very difficult to live a life of inner peace and happiness.

I recently received an email from Jasmine, a 55-year-old old New York City/East Hampton financial advisor, who has spent her entire life seeking a “happily ever after.”

Dear Beatty,

I am in the process of going through my third divorce. I married Jeremy, 68, the president of a global financial institution 10 years ago. I was so sure that our marriage would last a lifetime. I did my homework. I even read your book, For Better for Worse Forever: Discover the Path to Lasting Love. I was so proud of myself for taking the time and doing my due diligence in making sure that Jeremy was exactly who he appeared to be. The first few years were glorious. We traveled extensively, made love often and really enjoyed each other. About three years ago, things seemed to suddenly change. He became very withdrawn. When I asked him what was wrong, he would say it was the pressure of work. I continually tried to draw him out without success. We stopped going out and our love life came to an end. I begged him to get help. He refused. The worst thing was not knowing what caused him to change. I started to question myself. Did he no longer find me attractive? Was there another woman? Every time I tried to talk to him, we ended up arguing. I was starting to get more depressed and frightened and began to see a therapist. Through my therapy I began to realize that we can’t change anyone, can’t force anyone to get help and can’t make someone love us. I got to a point, where I couldn’t continue to live like this. When I asked my husband whether he wanted a divorce, he told me to do as I liked. With a broken heart, I contacted a divorce attorney. Our divorce will be finalized within the next six months.

My question to you, Beatty, is this. How do I heal knowing that I married a man (my third husband) who didn’t love me enough to try and work out our problems? Am I that unlovable? Did I fool myself in thinking that my third marriage would be a charm? Whatever advice you can give me will be greatly appreciated. My heart is broken.

Jasmine – New York City/East Hampton

Dear Jasmine,

I am so sorry that you are going through yet another disappointment. I’m really proud of you for reading my book and using my 10-step formula to assess who Jeremy was and was not BEFORE you decided to get married. It sounds at least on the surface that you did all the right things, both before and after you married him. I do have a question for you. During your courtship and the early years of your marriage, how did you and your husband deal with differences, conflicts and problems that crop up in every relationship? Were issues acknowledged, addressed and resolved? Or were problems typically ignored or denied so as to avoid potential arguments When people ask me what the two most important ingredients are that make-or-break relationships, my answer is simple. Successful couples make it a point to hone their emotional communication and problem-solving skills through good and bad times. In retrospect, how well or how badly did you and your husband deal with problems? It’s something to think about. In any case, don’t beat yourself up. The hardest thing in your situation is the not knowing. Since Jeremy didn’t try to dissuade you from divorcing him, the kindest thing he could have done was at least tell you what happened – why his feelings changed –why he suddenly withdrew from you. Unfortunately, you may never know. So the real question is what can you DO now to help you deal with your deepest pain, hurts, disappointment and loss?

My good friend and colleague Elizabeth Massey, R.N., NCBF, CAIP, Grief Specialist, national speaker and President and CEO of HealWell & Thrive Inc. has identified a number of evidence-based research findings that will help you navigate your loss:

Give yourself permission to express your feelings and grieve the loss of your happily-ever-after
Set your intention to heal
Treat yourself with kindness
Be patient with yourself
Grief is usually more intense and longer lasting than we expected.
Be where you’re at without judgment
Forgo a fixed time limit to heal.
Remember there is no right or wrong way to grieve.
Prioritize quality sleep and eat calming foods
Practice breathing.
Utilize the power of ritual. e.g. exercising, journaling, meditating, etc.
Give yourself permission to ask for help. You don’t need to navigate this journey on your own
Surround yourself with supportive people
And don’t give up in your search for love

Please let me know if I can be helpful in any way moving forward,

-Beatty

Beatty Cohan, M.S.W., L.C.S.W., A.A.S.E.C.T. is a nationally recognized psychotherapist, sex therapist, author of For Better for Worse Forever: Discover the Path to Lasting Love, columnist, national speaker, national radio and television expert guest and host of the weekly ASK BEATTY SHOW on the Progressive Radio Network. She has a private practice in New York City and East Hampton. Beatty would love to hear from you. You can send her your questions and comments to BeattyCohan.msw@gmail.com. For more information go to BeattyCohan.com.