Subway Sandwich Shops Confuse Hamptons Subway

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Award winning author Walter Isaacson was seen on the subway heading from Sag Harbor to Bridgehampton chatting with Robert Caro.

MEDALLION THIEF CAUGHT

We’ve kept this secret while our investigation was ongoing, but you need to know now that the subway system has suffered for months from a thief randomly stealing the antique brass shields on the front of some of our railroad cars. You may never have noticed there were shields missing. They are 12 inches by 18 inches, feature a bas-relief of a subway car coming at you (with its own tiny shield on it), with the word “Hamptons” above it and the word “Subway” below it. They also feature a garland of holly above the word “Hamptons..” The shields were originally placed on all our railroad cars when the system was built in 1932. The designer and manufacturer of the shields are unknown. The shields weigh 4 pounds each and are attached to the front of the trains with screws but apparently the screws did not deter this thief.

We determined early on in the investigation that the thefts could not have happened at the Montauk Yards. Four German shepherds patrol the yards 24/7 and in the past two months while the thief was operating, there was no angry barking or growling from these sentries.

Then, last Monday, there was a break in the case.   A man was found, shouting out for help, on the front of one of our trains between Water Mill and Southampton. He had gotten on the front somehow and had lost his footing, but we stopped the train and rescued him, then arrested him. He was carrying a backpack containing two large screwdrivers, a crowbar and seven brass plaques, which is the exact number of plaques that have been stolen.

On Tuesday morning, the man, Louis Frothingham-Gomez, age 29, appeared at an arraignment in Southampton and pled not guilty to burglary, his court-appointed lawyer arguing that he was not the man on the front of the train, had found the backpack on a street corner and hoped to return it to whoever left it there, and was in the business of selling screwdrivers. He was planning to sue Hamptons Subway for the fright caused by their starting up the train while he was pinned to the front of the lead car. The judge ordered him released on his own recognizance and all the court papers sealed, but not before we were able to obtain a copy of them.

BEETHOVEN’S NINTH SYMPHONY

Thanks to a generous donation of $1 million by a local hedge fund manager who wishes to remain anonymous, the Southampton stop on the Hamptons Subway System will be closed the Sunday of Columbus Day weekend. The occasion? A performance of Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony played at 3 p.m. that day by the combined firepower of the Berlin Philharmonic Orchestra and the New York Philharmonic Orchestra under the baton of James Levine. The musicians will be spending much of the morning and early afternoon setting up and tuning their instruments on the Southampton platform. Joining them to sing the choruses will be the entire 200-member New York Chorale Society together with a contingent from West Point who will be bringing an antique War of 1812 cannon they will fire during the most emotional parts.

The Berlin Philharmonic will be flown into John F. Kennedy International Airport by private jet and transported to Southampton aboard five Hampton Ambassador buses for the occasion. A special guest star – perhaps Itzhak Perlman – will be the featured violinist.

This performance is being presented free of charge to the entire Hamptons community. For those straphangers who wish to get on or off at Southampton, you can’t, so take other transportation.

COMMISSIONER BILL ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

There has been considerable confusion involving Hamptons Subway and the Subway restaurant chain that has food services on all our platforms, along with more than 35,000 other food service locations and restaurants around the world.

Subway, the restaurant, has begun a special Columbus Day promotion in their subway platform restaurants where if you spend more than $15, you get a coupon worth $2.75 for future purchases.

By coincidence, these coupons are exactly the size of the swipe cards used to get through the turnstiles, and also by coincidence $2.75 is exactly the amount we charge for a ride on the system. For the last four days, nearly 300 people have been arrested on our platforms after trying to use the Subway coupons, a breach of the law which has resulted in a whole series of alarms going off, the activation of our local police force who come down onto the platform to make the arrest, and the jamming of the turnstiles themselves when being swiped with these bogus coupons.

Since Monday, nearly half of the turnstiles have been out of service because of this. Meanwhile, crime on the streets above the subway system has skyrocketed due to the lack of police presence.

Please consider this a warning. Enjoy your Subway sandwich, get your coupon, then put it in your pocket and don’t try to use it to get on the Hamptons Subway.

On another matter, the charge leveled against me by Fifi LaRue that I made a sexual advance toward her in 1987 which she declined, is not true. I’ve ordered her banned from using Hamptons Subway.