Ask Beatty: How 'Sex and The City' & 'And Just Like That' Affect Our View of Life

The Importance of Close Friendships

Very few television shows have had the popularity and mass following that Sex and the City and its sequel, And Just Like That have achieved over the last 27 years. I must admit that I rarely missed an episode. For those of you who may not be familiar with the shows, each episode followed the emotional growth, relationships and friendships of four single, attractive, upwardly mobile women in New York City who were trying to navigate their lives both personally and professionally. And like most people, they experienced numerous bumps in the road.  It was the close, supportive friendships that Carrie, (Sarah Jessica Parker), Samantha, (Kim Cattrall), Charlotte (Kristin Davis) and Miranda ( Cynthia Nixon) developed and nurtured over the years that helped keep them centered through good and bad times. I often wondered what their off- screen relationships were like.  Of course we’ll never really know. What we do know, is that four very different women from different backgrounds learned to respect each others uniqueness without judgment or cattiness. Differences were worked through with love, respect and compassion. Their friendships and loyalty toward one another should be a model for all of us who value having people in our life who we can always count on. For those of you who are fortunate to have friendships like these four women, remember to nurture them and never take the ‘gift’ that you have been given for granted. For me, this was probably the most important lesson and takeaway that I gleamed from watching the shows.

What Did We Learn About the Women’s Romantic Relationships?

Charlotte: At the beginning of Sex and the City all four women were single. Charlotte, who came from an upper class Connecticut family, was the first to marry. Her husband Trey was a handsome doctor, who was more connected to his own mother than he was to Charlotte. After only 2 years of marriage, Trey’s ‘mother issues’, coupled with fertility problems and his unexplained ongoing problems with erectile dysfunction became to much to bear for Charlotte.  With her friend’s unconditional love and ongoing support, she was able to muster the courage to file for divorce. She soon fell in love with her Jewish divorce attorney and converted to Judaism. The two subsequently married and adopted a little girl from China. Shortly after the adoption, Charlotte discovered she was pregnant and gave birth to a girl. Despite her busy life, she was also able to head up a prestigious art gallery. Without a doubt, Charlotte’s life was the happiest of the four. She found a loving husband and was able to create a happy and stable family life- a life that she cherished every day.

Lessons to Be Learned

Out of turmoil and unhappiness can come better times and a happier life. Be persistent, never give up and try to learn from your mistakes.

Carrie: Carrie, an advice columnist and author struggled to find a man who was capable of meeting her emotional needs. Throughout the two series, I often wondered whether Carrie even really knew what those emotional needs were.  As a result, all of her relationships, including her one with Mr. Big (who she subsequently married), left her feeling unfulfilled and lonely. After Mr. Big’s sudden death, she later rekindled her relationship with an old boyfriend Aidan, who like the others, was unavailable in a variety of ways. And Just Like That ends with Carrie finding herself alone living in her big luxurious townhouse in Gramarcyy Park. Hopefully, she will take the time to figure out what she wants and needs in her next chapter of life.

Lessons to Be Learned

1. Make sure that you are in a good place emotionally and psychologically and that you have dealt- as best as one can, with your own demons and ‘skeletons in the closet’.2. Remember that the relationship should be the ‘icing on the cake’. Each of us first needs to be the ‘cake’.3. Know Thy Self –  Have clarity about what you want and need in a relationship.4. Be honest with yourself about the things that you don’t want and will not tolerate in a relationship.5. Be careful with the compromises that you are willing to make.

Miranda: Miranda is portrayed as a workaholic, feminist, corporate lawyer; who was skeptical about men and relationships. Her on and off again affair with Steve, a bartender, culminated in marriage and the birth of a son.  Throughout the series, Miranda questions her marriage and sexuality and struggles with alcoholism. She subsequently has an affair with Che, a non- binary comedian, divorces Steve and in Just Like That, falls in love with a woman.

Lessons to Be Learned

Miranda has worked diligently to discover what she wants and needs in her life both peronally and professionally. Despite numerous ups and downs, it appears that she has discovered her true self and is finally living her life authentically with the unconditional support of her friends and her new love.

Samantha: Living Life on Her Own Terms

Samantha is a successful public relations executive who embraces her sexuality and avoids emotional attachments. Unlike her friends, she is not looking to get married or have children. She is known for her blunt honesty, her love of designer clothers and her frequent causual sexual encounters. She had a short-term sexual relationship with a woman, which revealed her preference for men. She successfully battled breast cancer and is clearly living her life on her own terms with no regrets.

There Is No One Right Way to Live Our Lives

Sex and the City and And Just Like That remind us that there is no one ‘right’ way to live our life. The challenge for each of us is to determine the kind of authentic life that we wish to live that will make us truly happy- so that we can be at peace with ourselves. Today, there are more options available- especially for women than ever before.  It can be very confusing trying to figure out which direction is best. What we imagined we wanted at a certain age and stage of life, may no longer be what we want today. What’s important however, is that we be honest and true to ourselves. And as I remind people all the time, we don’t need to navigate this journey on our own. If you find yourself confused and unsure about what’s important and how you truly wish to live, I hope that you wiill give yourself permission to reach out to an experienced therapist who can help you find your way.

Beatty Cohan, M.S.W., L.C.S.W., A.A.S.E.C.T. is a nationally recognized psychotherapist, sex therapist, author of For Better for Worse Forever:  Discover the Path to Lasting Love, columnist, national speaker, national radio and television expert guest and host of the weekly ASK BEATTY SHOW on the Progressive Radio Network.  She has a private practice in New York City and East Hampton.  Beatty would love to hear from you.  You can send her your comments and questions to BeattyCohan.msw@gmail.com.  or more information go to BeattyCohan.com