Hamptons Subway Names Official Bird(s)

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Jimmy Fallon was seen Thursday afternoon hurrying down the stairs to the platform at the Sag Harbor station. Brooke Shields and Naomi Watts were seen aboard a subway carrying shopping bags and leaving Bridgehampton for points west at 3 p.m. last Monday.

PART FOUND ON THE TRACKS

Service on the system was delayed for two hours on Tuesday evening when a large metal part of a subway car was found on the tracks between Water Mill and Southampton. The part was removed from the tracks after which the service resumed, and the part was then taken by car to the subway yards in Montauk where, when the system shut for maintenance at 2 a.m. and the cars were brought in, workmen tried to find out which car it came off of. It would have to be reattached, of course. The part, which seemed to be some sort of cowl or cover, weighed about forty pounds, but with all the workmen there on the case in Montauk, no one was able to find a place where such a part was missing or even where a part similar to this one was located on any of our other subway cars. Indeed, no part seemed to be missing from any subway cars. This is a big mystery.

OFFICIAL BIRD SELECTED – A SURPRISE

A contest for subway riders to choose an official bird for the system is over. There were four entries straphangers could vote on by checking a box on a form available from a token clerk and placing it in one of our suggestion boxes. They were the common grey seagull, the piping plover, the osprey or the Montauk spotted owl. The winners, in a tie, were the Montauk spotted owl and the common grey seagull, and we have already authorized a local artist to design a logo of these two birds, embracing.

SUBWAY DELAYED RE-OPENING

Monday night after the subway shut down for its nightly maintenance, the workers brought out the giant, twirling Roto-Rooter bristle brush they use once a year to clean all the walls, ceilings and floors in the tunnels. The brush is a wonder to behold. It’s twelve feet in diameter and twenty feet long, and attached to the front of a subway car, it’s bristles turn corkscrew fashion brushing and brushing as the subway car guides it down the tracks. Attached behind is the swiss shower water cannon car, which washes what the first brush scrapes off and sends it down the drains rub a dub dub. Call it spring cleaning, call it a miracle, but there was a 20 minute delay in finishing the job before the 7 a.m. reopening and we apologize for it. Still, the straphangers applauded the squeaky clean tunnels when they boarded the cars. “This is the Hamptons,” one of them shouted, pumping his fist in the air.

NEW DIETICIAN

Our new college trained dietician, Gloria Hansenhaven, has, as her first act running the cafeteria at company headquarters in Hampton Bays, declared Wednesdays Chicken a la King Day. Delicious fruit and jello molds are dessert.

MOTORMAN ED FENARIO IS 42

A birthday party was held for motorman Ed Fenario at 4 p.m. on Wednesday in the company cafeteria. Present among the many guests were Ed’s wife Hatty, who works as a receptionist, and also each of his other four ex-wives, all of whom still work at Hamptons Subway. (Ed met and courted them all there.) The five wives, Hatty, Willette, Edna, Margaritta and Vanity, linked arms to sing him Happy Birthday.

AD MOVED

A poster ad for the Rice and Cheese Restaurant in Westhampton Beach, mounted on the wall of the Hampton Bays platform, was moved down to an empty ad frame on the wall in the tunnel between Hampton Bays and Quogue, there from two years ago when a prior marketing director sold ads along the tunnel wall. (A stupid idea if you think about it, since the trains are whizzing past.) Our Commissioner is having a disagreement with the owner of Rice and Cheese, and had our new marketing director Carl Besmith move it out where it won’t be seen. Siberia. We’re not allowed to mention the owner of Rice and Cheese, but we all know who he is and what he did, and we do have to report he has threatened to sue Hamptons Subway. Commissioner Bill Aspinall says none of us should eat there.

FAKE PANHANDLERS?

One does expect a panhandler, moving through the subway cars, to be authentic, doesn’t one? Yesterday, it was revealed that one of the panhandlers, a man pushing a grocery cart, when arrested, turned out to be a spy for the CIA. Or so he said. Then, after presenting his papers, he was found to check out. His mission? Confidential. Sorry.

COMMISSIONER BILL ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

I am pleased to announce that Mayor Bloomberg and I have agreed for Hamptons Subway to sell back to New York City the New York City Subway System which New York City five weeks ago sold to Hamptons Subway for $1. Details next week. For now, my wife and I are off to a much needed ten day cruise ship vacation around the Mediterranean. Chao Bellisimo, as the Italians say.

Meanwhile, I don’t understand how we could find a 40 pound metal part from a subway car on our tracks, have it brought out to the experts in Montauk, and then get to be told it is not from any of our subway trains. This is outrageous. Are they kidding me?