Hamptons Subway Limits Santas to One Per Car

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Scarlett Johansson was seen carrying shopping bags off an arriving subway car at the Montauk station last Friday. Hugh Jackman was seen on Thursday going up the up escalator from the Southampton platform on Monday. Hilaria and Alec Baldwin were seen climbing the stairs to the street in Amagansett, each carrying three shopping bags full of presents from at least four different toy stores.

RULES FOR SANTA CLAUSES

At the request of some of our passengers, we are for the first time putting into effect rules for people who work at stores as Santa Claus during the holiday season. If you either come to work or go home in full Santa costume, please note that only one Santa is allowed in any one subway car. Having more than one in a subway car is confusing to children. If there is already a Santa in the subway car you are boarding, go down the aisle and into the next car, or the next car you can find that doesn’t have one.

NEW FLAGS FOR THE FLAGMEN

As you may know, the Hamptons Subway system was built originally in the early 1930s, with flagmen holding up either green or red flags in the dark tunnels so the motormen can see to either stop or go. We still use this system, unlike other subway systems which now have this all automated with red and green electric lights. But we feel that we have both a duty to history and a responsibility for the environment to do this the old fashioned way. This week, however, we bought the 19 flagmen brand new flags for Christmas, and also reflectors that they can strap onto their clothing, which we feel might be helpful at certain times. Of course, the little glass booths on the walls of the tunnel where they sometimes rest to get away from all the dust do help them anyway. The booths are vacuumed once a week whether they need it or not.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALBRECHT SPEER

Last Wednesday was the 120th birthday of Albrecht Speer, the classy German architect who designed our headquarters building in Hampton Bays in 1937. He did his best work in Berlin in those years. This is the only work he did in America, a project made from granite imported from Germany just moments before World War II broke out.

NO TESTING OF THE VIRUS SYSTEM

A few people have asked if Hamptons Subway is going to test the virus detection system the way they are doing it in Boston. As you may know, RFK Jr. has required that all subway systems in America install virus-sniffing systems on the ceilings to warn straphangers if a terrorist leaves a backpack filled with an open container of killer viruses somewhere up there.

The sniffers have been installed on our ceilings. But in Boston, the subway commissioner has announced that he will be testing the virus detector sniffers on his ceilings by releasing non-deadly viruses through the tunnels one day next week. He wants to see if the alarm goes off. This has gotten a big negative reaction from the straphangers up there who fear they will die from some deadly viruses that might get mixed in with the non-deadly viruses.

Rest assured that we here at Hamptons Subway will not be testing our ceiling sniffers. If they work when needed, fine. If they don’t they don’t. We protect our customers, not put them in harm’s way.

NO MORE TOKENS

Dec. 15 was the last day that old subway tokens could be brought to the token booths and exchanged for the new swipe cards. Some people on Dec. 16 brought buckets and buckets of still more tokens and just angrily left them on the subway platform for people to trip over. Get over it, people.

COMMISSIONER BILL ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

I am pleased to announce that I have apologized to everyone for signing to buy the New York City subway system last month. As you know, I have come to an agreement with Mayor Eric Adams there for Hamptons Subway to sell the New York City Subway System back to New York. This had been a big mistake on my part earlier this year even, though I had bought it for just $1. I pride myself on how I run Hamptons Subway. I rarely make mistakes, but when I do, I admit it. This was a mistake. I soon found that there was no way for us to provide the weekly salaries, vacation pay, pensions, bonuses, overtime and other perks of the workers – we don’t have any of these at Hamptons Subway – without selling off pieces of the New York Subway System at rock-bottom prices. We sold the Lexington Line to the Toronto Subway System, and we were almost to the closing date for the Eighth Avenue Subway System to be purchased by the Bay Area Rapid Transit (BART) System in San Francisco. Both of these sales now have to be unwound.

Both the mayor and i have agreed to keep the terms of this sell-back confidential.

On the other hand, this debacle, while it lasted, taught me a few new things that I didn’t know about running a subway system. I can’t remember any of them at the moment, but when they come to mind, I shall write about them.