Hamptons Subway Adds Thumb Screen Turnstiles

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Nathan Lane and Walter Isaacson were seen riding together and telling jokes on the subway between Wainscott and East Hampton.

BAD ACCIDENT

The new observation cars, four of them, were involved in a terrible accident on their first test run around the Hamptons Subway system last Friday. I’m sure you’ve seen the TV commercials and newspaper advertisements telling of their imminent arrival. For a special fee, patrons of the subway would be able to climb up into the observation cockpits to look out through the glass and see the walls and ceiling fly by as they made their way to their destinations. The cars arrived at the subway yards at Montauk on Wednesday and were made ready for service. The yards are aboveground, (surrounded by chain-link fences and barbed wire, of course), and after they were prepped, executives of Hamptons Subway, officials, and other special guests, together with honored staff members of the subway (they got seats in a raffle), boarded the trains and headed out toward Amagansett where, just where the tracks head uphill at the end of Napeague, they disappear into the tunnel.

Horribly, it seems that the observation areas in all four cars were built 2 feet taller than they were supposed to be, and they all got sheared off on entering the tunnel. Fortunately, somebody had shouted “Hey!” just in time and everybody lay flat on the floor. When the train arrived at the Amagansett station, there was nothing but wreckage and broken glass and a whole lot of people injured – but, thank God, not killed up top.

NEW JOBS

Hamptons Subway is pleased to announce that it is hiring for 17 Hampton Subway posts which have suddenly become vacant. People seeking these jobs will be of average intelligence or above, of any gender or color, a member of any religious group or none and of any racial or creed-like organization or straight or gay. Hamptons Subway is an equal opportunity employer. Jobs are available as token booth workers, dietitians, flagmen, cafeteria workers, mailroom workers, secretaries, middle-level executives, marketing apprentices, janitors, conductors, and motormen.

DELAYS LAST WEEK

Last Monday at 8:51 a.m., the subway doors on car three of train six froze shut at the Southampton station and failed to slide open. The temperature at that time on the platform was 49 degrees so this was understandable. Someone had turned off the heat on that platform and we are investigating. Blowtorches were used to break into that car. All trains were delayed for 22 minutes. Some passengers in that car were scorched, or hurt physically, but others were uninjured. People in subway cars both before and after needed trauma management assistance.

NEW FINGERPRINT TURNSTILE EXPERIMENT

You will find that as of last week, the last subway turnstile on the Bridgehampton platform will let you in if you place your thumb on the glass of a computer screen there. Regular swipe cards won’t do. To use it, go to the token booth and register your thumbprint. The clerk there will ask for your name, email number, Social Security number, and date of birth. She will enter it all for you. Then without further ado, you can use your thumb. Hamptons Subway is always interested in new technology, so now for the next 6 months we’ll see how it goes. Perhaps it’s the wave of the future.

ROPES NOW AVAILABLE

If you see somebody acting strangely on a platform and you become fearful that you might get pushed onto the tracks in front of a train, look for one of the two coiled ropes you will find installed on hooks at opposite ends of all platforms. Tie one end around your waist and another to a pillar. Subway management is very responsive to requests such as this that are put into the suggestion boxes (also located at each end of every platform.)

SUBWAY RESTAURANT CHAIN SUED

Some customer somewhere has sued the Subway restaurant chain for advertising foot-long sandwiches while delivering 11-inch sandwiches. It is a class action suit and according to the papers, the plaintiffs have calculated how many foot-longs are sold a year, declared they were only worth 11/12ths of their sale price, and are asking for $2.1 billion. You will find that here at our Subway food kiosks, one on every platform in every station, every foot-long now has a toothpick sticking out with an olive on the end. It makes them 13 inches long. I don’t know how long this will go on. Just letting you know.

COMMISSIONER BILL ASPINALL’S REPORT

All the subway system has been in mourning and at half-mast this past week because of the lives almost lost so cruelly during the new observation car’s first test run. Service was halted for four hours for cleanup. After that, and until next week when we complete our hiring, trains will be running less frequently, at half time, which means double the wait time on the platforms for a train to come. This is our equivalent of a flag at half-mast.