Vulgarians in the Hamptons, A Take On Difficult People

Recently there was an article in The New York Times that noted that for the first time, the influx of Asians moving to the U.S. has surpassed that of Hispanics, reflecting a slowdown in illegal immigration while American employers increase their demand for highly skilled workers. I think the Times might have erred on this news story. How about the Vulgarians?

Anyone that knows me will tell you that I am a fan of all races, creeds and colors. I think that is one of the things that makes this a great country. But I must take a stand on one immigration issue and that is the recent deluge of Vulgarians to the Hamptons. Some people might not know where Vulgaria is located or just how many Vulgarians there actually are in the Hamptons. It is so bad that one day you will not be able to find Montauk on the map, because it will have been renamed Vulgariaville.

Mr. Sneiv has done the research and I will remain committed to exposing the truth. I expect that once this article is published in Dan’s Papers, that U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement, also known as ICE, will be knocking on the Corporate Offices of the Paper, and demanding to interview Mr. Sneiv. They will want to silence me from speaking out against this race. That is because the Vulgarians also control many facets of law enforcement. I can only hope that Dan honors the “writers code” and refuses to give me up. I am brave with the words, but I don’t want to end up in the bottom of Town Pond.

Vulgarians have been gaining a foothold in the Hamptons for years. They often arrive under the cover of night. I have even spotted them arriving in seaplanes and helicopters.

They have taken over much of the prized real estate. They control a good portion of the area. Politicians are turning a blind eye. I even suspect that some high-ranking government officials might be of Vulgarian descent.

Last week, I was almost run off the road by someone I expect was Vulgarian. They were going way too fast and cut in front of me at the last second. Luckily, my lightning fast reactions enabled me to avert what could have been a serious accident. Thank God I was driving my more nimble Aston Martin and not the Bentley.

Then just a few days ago, I was pushed aside by “one of them” as we were both attempting to enter the checkout lane in Wild By Nature Market at the same time. I almost beat the snot out that one, but she was taller than me, so I decided not to chance it.

If that wasn’t enough, I was out to dinner Friday night, waiting patiently for my usual table, and someone I knew to be of that persuasion, slipped the waiter $100 and waltzed right in and took my table. This really made me look bad in front of my very important and well-respected friends. It’s criminal I tell you.

Maybe worst of all is the fact that most everyone caters to these intruders. Well not Mr. Sneiv. I might not have been born in the Hamptons, but I have a deep sense of pride for this place. Why else would I have plunked down $4.6 million for my luxurious waterfront home here? I won’t wait for the politicians and lawmakers to raise the issue. I have the power of the press and that is Dan’s Papers.

Be on the lookout. I will personally be monitoring the situation over the summer months and will report back with my findings in the fall. I have a plan, and if it works, by October, I am hoping to have run most of them out of town.  I’ll keep my many Hispanic and Asian friends. I don’t need the Vulgarians.


Vulgarian: Noun – a vulgar person, especially one who makes a conspicuous display of wealth.

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