Hamptons Police Blotter: Teens Run Amok, Tourists Get Robbed, McGumbus

Old Man McGumbus Tank
Tank Photo: Public Domain

Searching For Proof, The Higher The Better
Police are being circumspect about the latest burglaries in Sag Harbor, but reading between the lines, it’s pretty easy to deduce that alcohol remains the thief’s primary target. Police have asked for help in solving the case, so, at the risk of profiling, here goes: why not look for a teenager who is having trouble standing up?

Robbed In Broad Daylight
On Saturday at 8:50 p.m., an upisland man stopped a police officer in East Hampton to report that his money was gone. The Setauket man and his wife had rolled into the Hamptons on Saturday morning with a fat bankroll, and now he only had $5. Asked to recall his movements, the man recounted having breakfast at “a nice little pastry shop,” doing some shopping, eating lunch, buying some souvenirs and ice cream, followed by a candlelit dinner.

Water Mill Bling Ring Cooked
Police have arrested three Southampton teens for their involvement in Water Mill mischief that took place in late July. Police say a group of teens invited themselves over to a Farmstead Lane property (the owners weren’t home), where they proceeded to have a pool party/BBQ, splashing in the owner’s pool, using the owner’s grill and drinking whatever thirst-quenchers they found at hand. On their way out, the youthful perpetrators helped themselves to a flatscreen TV and some jewelry. Police say they expect to arrest more juveniles in the ongoing investigation. We hope those were some REALLY good burgers.

Back To School For Old Man McGumbus
Leela Parsons of Shelter Island awoke early Wednesday to find a WW II-era tank in her front parlor. It seems that Old Man McGumbus, 103, former munitions expert with the High Command secret security detail, had been inspired and was on his way to the school to volunteer himself as an armed security guard—in McGumbus’ words, “forget good guys with guns, I’ll give ’em OLD guys with TANKS.” Unfortunately, the thick smokescreen McGumbus engineered to obscure his approach to the school caused him to become disoriented. When it was pointed out to him that it was still summer vacation and that school doesn’t start until next week, McGumbus flew into a rage, shouting something about “those lazy hippie teachers” and “the Devil doesn’t take vacations” before taking off on foot, throwing grenades over his shoulder. Never a dull moment on Shelter Island.

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