Hamptons Police Blotter: Crane’s Horseman, McGumbustein, People Pumpkins

Investigating the People Pumpkins at Bob's Farm
Investigating the People Pumpkins at Bob's Farm, Graphic: Oliver Peterson

Heads up, Hamptons! It was a frightening week for the Hamptons Police Blotter team.

Story Sounds Hollow
Police received a call from a self-described teacher, who appeared to be in an extreme state of nervous agitation. The man, who police identified as a Mr. Crane, reported that he had been chased in the early morning hours by a man who he attests was carrying a severed head at his side, and who at some point hurled the head at Crane. The mysterious assailant’s own face was, apparently, not visible. Investigating the scene, police found no trace of a human head, although they did take note of a smashed pumpkin corresponding to the size and shape of the head Crane had described. The investigation is on hold, and Crane’s whereabouts are not known at this time.

Wine Tasting Gone Bad
An estate manager, making a routine inspection of a Sagaponack mansion, was surprised to hear muffled shouts coming from the direction of the basement. He alerted the authorities, and when they arrived, they began to search for the source of the sounds. They report being astonished to find that the mansion’s basement led into a series of catacombs containing a large stock of rare and exotic wines and liqueurs. Behind a recently cemented stone wall was discovered a niche in the caverns where a man, dressed oddly in a court jester’s outfit, had been chained to the wall. The man reported that the mansion’s owner had gotten him drunk and lured him into the catacombs with a promise of “some really awesome Spanish wine.” The mansion’s owner is being questioned.

Shelter Island Gets Reanimated
Residents of Shelter Island had noticed a falling off in the usually bountiful supply of roadkill along their thoroughfares over the past month. It seems that Old Man McGumbus, 103, WWII electronics specialist and amateur animal surgeon, has been collecting the animal remains for “spare parts,” as he calls it. With the aid of an inarticulate assistant with profound scoliosis, McGumbus has quickly amassed a rather gruesome pile in his backyard, along with a confused jumble of antique electrical equipment. “I’m just waitin’ on a good lightning storm,” remarked McGumbus.

Strange Harvest
Bob’s Family Farm was closed indefinitely after an incident last week. The first reports came from children picking pumpkins who ran frightened to report seeing “people pumpkins.” Further investigation revealed that the patch was in fact infested with strange, sticky pods out of which were growing humanoid creatures. In a press conference regarding the discovery, an unemotional Sgt. Peters explained that residents shouldn’t worry, and that life would be much better for all of us very soon.

Read more Hamptons Police Blotter here.

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