The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of July 11–17, 2014

Week of July 11–17, 2014
Riders this past week: 20,888
Rider miles this past week: 155,888

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Taylor Swift was seen wearing a life jacket and strumming a guitar on the subway between Amagansett and Montauk on Sunday afternoon. She got off in Napeague, according to our spy, who followed her, and our spy thinks she got off to go windsurfing on a friend’s rig. George Stephanopoulos was seen heading from North Sea to Southampton on Friday looking very smug. Ina Garten was on the subway heading from from Bridgehampton to Sagaponack on Tuesday. Padma Lakshmi was sitting reading a book on the subway heading from Westhampton Beach to Quiogue on Friday.

HEADWAY ON THE INTERNATIONALE
The Internationale,” the super-luxurious, secure, fitted-out subway car we rent out to ride around the system late at night when diplomats and politicians from around the world want to meet in private, had its first success since the car was first offered in March. The meeting was on Monday between President Obama and Vladimir Putin, according to a reliable source (the car’s bartender), and at this meeting Putin said he wanted to have closer relations with America, thinks he got carried away with patriotism by Sochi emboldening him to take Crimea and would let the Russian rebels in Ukraine twist in the wind until they gave up and came home. He said he was really sorry, and would it be okay if he kept Crimea and the two hugged.

CONFETTI
Our super staff earned high kudos from management at a company breakfast in our cafeteria on Sunday morning. The amount of confetti and balloons they swept up from the platforms on the early morning of July 5 filled a barn we own in East Quogue and we applauded their monumental effort. After making a speech, Commissioner Aspinall released a white pigeon to fly out the window into the Hampton Bays sunshine in their honor.

SYSTEM OUTAGE
The power went down for 20 minutes at 7 a.m. when the tail of Hurricane Arthur came through the subway system on Friday morning. This made all the trains 20 minute late. But because all our trains come through every station at 20 minute intervals, nobody noticed.

ANTIQUE SUBWAY CAR RIDE
The antique subway car we discovered in a storage room off a dark tunnel between Water Mill and Bridgehampton last year had its first riders on Friday. Although the subway car was fully restored to exact 1934 specifications, our government officials, County Legislator Schneiderman, Congressman Bishop, State Senator LaValle, State Assemblyman Thiele, Southampton Village Mayor Mark Epley and East Hampton Town Supervisor Larry Cantwell all complained that the bumpiness of the ride gave them back and headaches. Though scheduled for a full 60 mile spin around the subway system, they got off in Hampton Bays after just eight miles from where the ride began in Southampton saying that they couldn’t imagine anyone in their right mind riding on this bumpy car back then. When told that the springs and shock absorbers were brand new reproductions of the originals, they said that it was surprising that people back then didn’t file lawsuits.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
The very rich man who paid to rent out the subway system for the Fourth of July Weekend only to have his daughter run off with the swimming pool man rather than marry that Princeton banker has sent us a big check to cover the entire cost of the failed rental. Of course, we had heard it was all off ahead of time and never closed the subway to the public, but we’re not telling him. All’s well that ends well.

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