Police Blotter

Hamptons Police Blotter: Deer Crossing, Panty Raid, Riverhead

Deer Crossings Proposed
Advocates of more sensitive treatment of deer joined officials this week in calling for a new program to designate lighted deer crosswalks at regular intervals along local roads. “After all,” noted spokesperson Lee Hirsch, “they have special lighted crosswalks for human beings in East Hampton. Why not for deer?” Deer would signal a desire to cross a highway by running directly at the highway, at which point a bunch of lights would start flashing, causing motorists to slam on the brakes in a panic.

Panty Raid Gang War
Police across the East End are on high alert and are devoting extra resources toward protecting lingerie stores in the wake of increased activity among the area’s numerous “panty gangs.” These gangs are known for visiting lingerie stores, often in broad daylight, and making off with quantities of panties. In the most recent incident, two members of the so-called Wainscott Wedgies, a notorious panty gang, stole a dozen pairs of silky panties from a local lingerie store right in the middle of the afternoon. This time the Wedgies chose a store that seemed very well protected—it is right around the corner from a police substation. In what is believed to be a related incident, violence was later reported between the Wainscott Wedgies and their gangland allies the G-Port G-Strings, who had met on Shelter Island to make a panty exchange—a meeting that the gangs call a “skivvy divvy.” A police informant reported that at the skivvy divvy the G-Strings were unhappy with the quality of the garments stolen by the Wedgies and demanded that the Wedgies bring them “something really nice and soft,” upon which the outraged Wedgies proceeded to bestow their namesake treatment upon the surprised G-Strings.

Riverhead Shaken
Numerous Riverhead residents called police troubled by the fact that they felt tremors last Friday night. After undertaking an emergency investigation, police announced that the seismic activity seemed to be emanating from the Suffolk Theater, where the Dan’s Best of the Best Concert was taking place. A capacity crowd was inside the theater, dancing to the rock-and-roll sound of Joe Delia and Thieves and special guests—including Nancy Atlas, Gene Casey, Sarah Conway and Sara Hartman. This explanation seemed to quiet local concerns, and many residents later contended that the “good vibrations” sent out from the concert seemed to soothe people’s nerves. Many reconciliations were effected, and numerous debts were forgiven. As one Pulaski Street resident remarked, “It was like Gandhi had come through town or something.”

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