The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of November 21–27, 2014

Week of November 21–27, 2014
Riders this past week: 10,001
Rider miles this past week: 64,331

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Debbie Harry from the group Blondie was on the subway last Friday at 2 p.m. heading from Southampton to Water Mill. Jimmy Fallon was seen Friday at 7 p.m. heading from Sag Harbor to Amagansett, telling friends that he looked forward to an evening at the Steven Talkhouse.

PANICKED TURKEY DELAY
Subway service between Southampton and Water Mill was delayed 30 minutes on Thursday afternoon after a herd of frightened turkeys came out of nowhere from some side tunnel and began running around in circles on the tracks. It wasn’t clear what scared them, but soon they bucked themselves up, took a collective deep breath and headed off back the way they came.

CONTROL TOWER
Citizens of Sag Harbor may have noticed that workmen have broken up through the ground in the parking lot behind the Emporium Hardware Store in that town. They are making way for the new control tower being built on the subway platform below. Hamptons Subway is the surprise recipient of $7 million in funding from the Federal Aviation Authority (FAA) for this. They’ve sent us the first half of the funds. The tower has to be built exactly to specifications— 30 feet high—for us to get the rest of the funds and so its upper level, when completed, will stick up 12 feet above ground there. There will be no entrance into the subway from the glass enclosure atop this tower because: 1. Straphangers must still pay at the turnstiles; and 2. The tower will be busy with so-called “air traffic controllers” working at computer screens up there from 8 a.m. to 10 p.m. After that, though, subway customers will be allowed up from below to enjoy the view from the top of the tower over the cars, so long as they don’t touch anything. $7 million is a shot in the arm economically for Sag Harbor, especially with the jobs created while the construction continues, and then after that with the controllers high pay. The mayor knows about it. Everything is supposed to be kept hush-hush until the project is done so the FAA doesn’t learn they have funded this mistake.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY
Aristotle Fenton celebrates his birthday and will blow out the candles in the company cafeteria on the fourth floor of the Hamptons Subway building on Ponquogue Avenue in Hampton Bays on Tuesday at 2 p.m. Everyone is invited. Dr. Fenton embarked on a second career as Assistant Comptroller of Hamptons Subway after losing his license to practice dentistry out here after so many complaints. And he is doing just fine doing assistant comptrolling work, so far. He turns 55.

A WELCOME DONATION
We thank investment banker Charles Farnsworth of Wainscott for donating 44 brand new, very expensive and very rare penguin feather dusters to our maintenance staff. The dusting crew ladies feather dust every tunnel first thing every night at 2 a.m. when the service shuts down for maintenance so that the men doing the heavy work that follows will have a dust-free environment. Penguin feather dusters are highly prized for their dusting ability and are far superior to regular goose feather dusters in every way. The feather dusting crew is sending Farnsworth a small plaque to show their appreciation for his fine gift.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Volunteers from every community that has a subway stop will be putting holiday decorations on the platforms on the nights of November 29 and 30. Each will be better than the other. Come through the turnstiles beginning December 1 to enjoy these displays.

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