Hamptons Films That Will Most Likely Never Get Made

Hamptons films by Mr. Sneiv
Hamptons films by Mr. Sneiv, Photos: Pedro Nogueira, Gregory Perkins, Graça Victoria/iStock, Hemera/Thinkstock

Recently, there was an article by Thomas Mentel chronicling seven of the greatest films that never got made. They included working titles such as Batman: Year One, Napoleon and Gladiator 2. Here’s my list of four Hamptons films that will most likely never get made:

1. Graffiti King of the Hamptons: A person, who is assumed to be a troubled youth, goes all over the East End painting graffiti on the exterior of the most exclusive homes. The local police departments band together in an effort to catch the perpetrator. Simultaneously, one of the victims, who is also an art aficionado, recognizes the potential of the graffiti works and sets out to find the criminal/artist before the police catch him. In an unusual turn of events, it turns out that the author of the graffiti is actually one of the most recognized and celebrated Hamptons artists. After this is revealed, the victims refuse to press charges or erase the graffiti, as the value of each of their homes is now estimated to have increased by more than a million dollars—thanks to the artist’s graffiti.

2. The 27-Day Siege in Montauk: A cocky agent of the New York State Department of Environmental Conservation has a run-in with a fisherman from Montauk. A struggle ensues, a gun is accidentally discharged and the agent is wounded. Shortly after the incident, a bunch of East End fishermen band together and barricade themselves inside a local restaurant. For the next 27 days, the rest of the country is engrossed as they watch the news, waiting to see the outcome of this standoff. In the meantime, as the restaurant is surrounded by federal agents, fishermen from all over the East Coast arm themselves and make the journey by boat to Montauk. More than 20,000 fishing boats are eventually positioned off the coasts of Long Island, ready to come to the assistance of their “watermen brothers.” The ending is a shocker!

3. A Potato Grows in Noyac: One of the few remaining Southampton potato farmers receives an anonymous donation of $5 billion from a dying entrepreneur. After much discussion among his family members, who want to spend the money on lavish trappings, the farmer commences to start buying up all the area homes and real estate he can. No one knows what his intentions are. The potato farmer refuses to divulge his plan, even to his wife of more than 60 years. His children are furious and try unsuccessfully to have him declared insane. As the film progresses, the farmer starts bulldozing the 200-plus homes and buildings he has already purchased. Once again, the children try to have him declared incompetent. As the judge is about to make a ruling, which is leaning in favor of the children, the farmer takes a piece of paper out of his pocket and reads a letter written by the benefactor. “I give you this money, with only the knowledge that you are a potato farmer from Noyac. I myself was born in Southampton and my father, too, was a potato farmer before the depression. We moved away when I was only 4 years old. Since that time, I have only returned once and that was as an old man. I was horrified by what I saw. I regret that I have never met you and we could not have tilled the soil, made plantings and harvested that which comes from the earth together. What I do know is that nothing grows in concrete or asphalt. Please use the money I have provided to try and undo at least some of what has been done.”

4. Lady Sings The East End Blues: A rich hedge fund manager is determined to see his daughter’s dreams of becoming a blues singing sensation fulfilled. Lacking faith in her abilities, when her first album is released, he spends more than $3 million buying every available copy, in order to make it look like she is a big star. When she learns of his doings, she leaves the Hamptons and runs away to the arms of a man she met online that claims to be a music producer. He ends up actually helping her to become a famous and highly regarded artist. After five years of not having any contact with her father, she returns to the Hamptons for a promotional event. Upon her arrival, she learns that her father has cancer and is dying. The ending is so bittersweet that I can’t even bear to write the words because it makes me cry.

What do you think? Should any of these be made?

Note: If any Hollywood executives want to enter into negotiations related to any of my film pitches, I can be reached through my middlemen at DansPapers.com.

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