The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of December 19–24, 2014

Week of December 19–24, 2014
Riders this past week: 11,812
Rider miles this past week: 86,946

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Betsey Johnson, dressed colorfully, was on the subway between Wainscott and East Hampton on Monday. Taylor Swift was seen on the Subway humming something between Southampton and Water Mill on Tuesday morning. Singer Paul Simon was staring out the window while heading eastbound between Napeague and Hither Hills on Friday.

MORE ON THE POSSIBLE NORTH FORK SUBWAY LINE
Discussions are proceeding with officials on the North Fork about the possibility of having Hampton Subway expanding its service up there. We want to make things perfectly clear. The name will remain Hampton Subway. North Forkers will have to pay a specified amount on their real estate tax bills every year for the service, to cover the inconvenience of having to buy more subway cars and hiring more people and paying for more trackage. In return, North Forkers will be allowed to drink wine on the subway if they can show their North Fork ID cards. Give a little, get a little, we say.

NEW YEAR’S EVE SCHEDULE
It would be important for riders to make special plans for New Year’s Eve on the subway. After negotiations with our motormen’s union, it has been decided to allow all Hampton Subway employees to go off duty to their respective New Year’s Eves parties at exactly 9 p.m. If you are on the subway just before 9 p.m., you will have to leave the subway when it makes its next stop, which will be whatever stop is next at 9 p.m. You will have to get a cab from there, or walk home.

WEDDINGS
As you may know, there have been occasions when some wealthy people hire out the Hamptons Subway for a day to have a wedding. It is an inconvenience to riders for that day. But we’ve now decided to offer weddings at a cheaper price for those who cannot afford to rent the whole subway system out. It is now possible, for a fee, to hold a wedding while the subway is in motion, by renting out not the whole subway system but just one car on one subway line, or if you have a big crowd, two adjacent cars (we will leave the doors open between the cars). It will be much cheaper. The only downside is you will have to wait until your subway train comes through the whole system to get you back to where everybody got on. This takes two hours. Indeed, we will rent out one car for those two hours. Or four, or six. Depends on the kind of wedding. Call for prices.

HARD AND FAST RULE
We want to make this clear. The subway will only go on its designated route. Motormen will ignore instructions to take it anywhere else, because it only goes where the tunnel goes. If you don’t want to be taken to where it is going next then get off it and go the other way or just leave the subway system entirely.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
The Subway restaurant chain, which has the license to sell sub sandwiches in those little kiosks you see on all the platforms, is now going to offer a new, longer footlong, actually a foot-and-a-half long, which will be in the shape of a Hamptons Subway car. It will have a gumdrop at one end, which will be its “headlight,” and will have fake sliding doors on the sides that you can chomp on. It will also have a fake beach umbrella on top. They are still deciding on its innards.

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