Cineast Movie Previews: 'Jupiter Ascending,' 'SpongeBob'

This week, Cineast offers previews of the new films Jupiter Ascending and The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water.

Jupiter Ascending

Personally, I always suspected that Mila Kunis was a space alien. First of all, there’s her name. Then there’s the fact that she used to date Macaulay Culkin, who IS a space alien. Then there are her enormous eyes, which for me were a dead giveaway. Now it seems as if the Wachowski siblings have reached the same conclusion, casting Kunis as the genetic twin of a space alien in Jupiter Ascending, a new sci-fi thriller. The Wachowskis are famous for having given the world the Matrix series, and have been endeavoring to continue to blow our collective mind ever since, dreaming up freaky scenario after freaky scenario and obtaining wads of cash to realize those scenarios onscreen. If Kunis didn’t already exist, the Wachowskis would easily have gotten studio funding to construct her. Jupiter Ascending involves some idea about how Earth was populated 100 million years ago by an advanced civilization from another planet—an advanced civilization that, for whatever reason, still operates under a very primitive political system that demands that its rulers all be from the same genetic stock. Finding themselves in need of an heir, and discovering that Kunis is a genetic match, the advanced civilization sends a Channing Tatum-shaped dog/man to Earth to bring her back to become their ruler. Like many of the Wachowski’s more recent films, Jupiter Ascending seems likely to play better in non-English-speaking overseas markets—it’s probably makes more sense if you don’t fully understand what’s going on.

The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water

Has it really been over 10 years since SpongeBob last hit the big screen? Could it be that my 20-year-old who now occasionally phones from college was only 10, and an avid, card-carrying member of the first SpongeBob generation, when I took him to see The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie? Swiftly flow the years. Alas, I doubt there’s much chance either he or I will be going to see the follow-up—The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water. True, there are some who contend that SpongeBob is highly entertaining even for those who have passed the age of twelve. It seems pretty clear, however, that these are people who either have willed themselves to unduly appreciate juvenile absurdity (even when there are far superior examples of absurd entertainment geared for older audiences) or people who have adopted the “wake and bake” lifestyle. In Sponge Out of Water, SpongeBob and a few of his underwater friends are forced to beach themselves in order to retrieve the secret formula for Krabby Patties, which has been stolen by a wicked pirate. SpongeBob and his friends take on super powers in their quest.