Police Blotter

Hamptons Police Blotter: Battle of the Bands, Spa McGumbus

Battle Turns to Brawl
An innocently conceived “Battle of the Bands,” planned as a friendly pitting of the music of the Dave Clark Five against that of Gerry and the Pacemakers, erupted in violence over the weekend as partisans of the groups continued to scrabble over which group deserved more esteem. Ronald Pembroke, a Pacemakers loyalist, spoke for his side during a pause in the hostilities: “Look, if the Beatles hadn’t written much better songs and hadn’t been a lot better looking, Gerry and the Pacemakers would have been bigger than the Beatles. You can’t say that about the Dave Clark Five!” John Carsman, a self-described Dave Clark Five fanatic, took a break from pummeling a Pacemakers fan to offer a retort: “The DC5 came to the U.S. before the Stones did. If it hadn’t been for the Rolling Stones being so much better, the Dave Clark Five would be considered a really great rock band!” The brawl between the two sides continued until midday Sunday when police were finally able to bring it under control.

Authorities Close Spa McGumbus
Spa McGumbus, the ladies-only “wellness center” operated on Shelter Island by local entrepreneur Old Man McGumbus, the 104-year-old WWII veteran, was closed by authorities on Wednesday. This move comes after an investigation revealed numerous safety and health violations. In closing the facility, authorities cited the spa’s use of “unidentifiable homemade creams, lotions and unguents”—the presence of which, when coupled with the existence of a fully operational rendering plant in the spa’s backyard, invited “rather horrifying suspicions.” Authorities also noted that among the services provided by the spa was something called “Gwynnie’s Delite”—a treatment that was not explained but seemed to have something to do with the unlicensed coal-fired boiler in the spa’s backroom. McGumbus was surprisingly upbeat about the closure, and he grinned as he announced plans to repurpose his equipment to start a door-to-door rug-steaming business.

Calm Urged Amid Fear
Local police are once again urging calm as nervous citizens grapple with the chilling reality of having the 13th day of the month fall on a Friday. From the police advisory: “The system we use of assigning numbers to days, along with a parallel system of naming days of the week, means that inevitably the number 13 and the name Friday will occasionally be used to identify the same length of time. We understand how trying this is for the community, and urge people to stay home if they feel unable to cope with the stress.”

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