The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of February 20–26, 2015

Week of February 20–26, 2015
Riders this past week: 6,841
Rider miles this past week: 74,444

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Seen on the subway Monday morning heading eastbound out of Bridgehampton for East Hampton were Alec Baldwin, Paul McCartney, Paul Simon and Jimmy Fallon all in one subway car, sitting together and occasionally giggling or hooting or slapping their thighs. Our spotter reports it had something to do with Saturday Night Live.

DELAY AFTER BIG SNOWFALL
The first trains of the day on Hamptons Subway were all delayed the morning after the big blizzard for two hours because some joker with a snowplow drove around the area the night before and shoved mountains of snow down the stairwells into all our stations from Westhampton to Montauk. It took nearly two hours for all of it to be shoveled out and if we ever catch who did this we will give that person a good talking to.

FILM BEING SHOT ON THE SUBWAY
The Hollywood film studio Warner Brothers is going to be in the Hamptons Wednesday filming a scene from their new action movie The Big Crash at the western terminus of our subway system in Center Moriches. The need for the scene, which is the noisy climax at the end of the movie, was originally meant to be done by CGI artists, but North Korean hackers invaded the computers of the Pixma Studios in Santa Clara, California on Sunday and obliterated the entire sequence. As this was now considered an emergency, we got the call late that night that the producers wanted to do the crash scene live underground on our system. We have rented them the abandoned subway station in Center Moriches, which we currently use as a turnaround for trains. Warner Brothers is paying us a sum we cannot refuse with the promise that afterwards the station will be completely rebuilt and restored, and 12 new subway cars provided so we can again use this station by March 1.

If you would like to be an extra, report to the Hampton Clarion Theatre in Hampton Bays next Monday at 9 a.m. Six hundred extras are needed to be on the Center Moriches platform on Wednesday all day as one subway train coming in at high speed crashes into the back of another at the station, resulting in the kind of chaos and fireball I am sure you can imagine.

Residents of East Moriches might be upset by all the smoke, fire, tremors and noise as the big crash takes place underground there, but it’s for a good cause, there is lots of money involved and those that complain are being told to call the Brookhaven authorities rather than the Hampton Subway authorities because East Moriches is in Brookhaven Township and, as it turns out, there is uncertainty about whether Hamptons Subway platforms underground are in Brookhaven’s jurisdiction. We think not.

The crashes will occur three times at four-hour intervals so the film crews can get all the camera angles, and this will mean they will need 200 extras for each crash scene, so there’s lots of possibilities of your having your big moment in Hollywood. Be sure to bring an official photo ID of yourself on either a driver’s license or a green card.

Meanwhile, until things are all restored, the subway turnaround will take place by doing multiple K turns at the Eastport station. This will slow things up, but not by much.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
I am away for Valentine’s Day weekend at a secret place, so my secretary is in charge this week.

READ MORE HAMPTONS SUBWAY!

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