On April 24, 2015, Dan Rattiner, the editor-in-chief of Dan’s Papers, announced his candidacy for president of the United States in 2020. This was a result of an exploratory committee that found many people indeed want Mr. Rattiner to be president after the 2016 election.
Since I am a frequent contributor to the newspaper and blog, I felt like I should do something to advance Dan’s chances being elected. Perhaps if he is successful, he will appoint me to an ambassadorship or some other elevated position.
As a result and without Dan’s knowledge, I have been holding secret East End focus groups to determine the best strategy for him going forward.
Here are the results and suggestions:
Dan’s Panama hat should be alternated on various days with other headgear, such as fedora, beret, fez, cowboy hat, kofia and an occasional top hat. This would attract a larger and more diverse following. There are a very limited number of people in the Panama Hat Society.
Dan should immediately start coming clean about the past. This includes telling the truth about potato bazookas, sea serpents, flights to Portugal, seagull whistles, Soviet oil drillers in Hither Hills, Howard Hughes’ residency, man-eating Ecuadorian eels, roaming lions and the Hamptons Subway. This type of transparency will be necessary to make it to the highest office in the land.
Dan should start the process of disassociating himself with some of the more seedy elements of the East End. He knows who we are talking about, DansPapers.com staff and contributors excluded.
Dan should order at least one Dan’s Papers cover per month with a hidden silhouette of himself. This type of subliminal advertising worked well in the fifties and sixties.
Dan should be seen exercising around town. His advanced age will undoubtedly become an issue during the campaign, and it is important he demonstrate early on his excellent health and virility.
Dan should pick a running mate early. One suggestion that tested very highly was a local guy whose first name is Alec and last name is Baldwin.
Dan should select a campaign song now. Billy Joel’s, “We Didn’t Start the Fire” seems perfect. That way, as the words suggest, Dan is saying he is not responsible for the mistakes of any past administration.
Last but not least, Dan must shave his beard. The last President who was elected with a beard was Benjamin Harrison in 1889. Several others who were elected after Harrison, such as Teddy Roosevelt and William Taft, had moustaches or thick sideburns, but no beard. The American people will not elect a bearded president ever again.
So there you have it. Dan for president in 2020. #ForwardWithDan
P.S. Dan-You are welcome and you have my vote!