The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of August 22–28, 2015

Week of August 22–28, 2015
Riders this past week: 26,512
Rider miles this past week: 213,406

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Louis C.K. was seen traveling between Sag Harbor and East Hampton last Thursday morning, holding forth in a packed subway car. The cars in front and behind were empty. Anyway, the whole car he was in was shaking with laughter.

LEAFBLOWER
Last Monday, in the wee hours, the maintenance crew out of the Montauk Yards began a dramatic cleanup of all the tunnels using standard motorized leaf blowers. The operation was at the suggestion of maintenance man Howard Keeler who put it in the suggestion box in June, and as a result was named employee of the Month for July. The tunnels had not been cleaned like this since the subway was constructed in 1932, so a great deal of dirt, grime, dust and debris was expected. Twenty men with leaf blowers on their backs and earplugs, goggles and masks on their heads went down onto the tracks from the Bridgehampton platform and then 10 walked west blasting with the leaf blowers the dirt and dust toward the trucks in Westhampton. The other 10 began walking east toward Montauk to the trucks in the Subway Yard there. By 3:30 p.m., the blowers had only gone halfway and the piles of dust in front of them were so high in the tunnels that the blowers could not move them any further. As a result and because the subway had to reopen at 6 a.m., the men were ordered to climb over the mounds and begin pushing them back to where they came. By 6 a.m., all the dust was back where it was. The subway system re-opened on schedule, full of the same dust, dirt and metal filings from the rails and wheels.

HIGH USAGE AND A CONCERT
With all the crowds up at ground level trying to get from place to place through the heat, more and more people are taking the subway. Because there is now extra revenue coming in, our Commissioner has ordered a special treat. On the spurs in Southampton and East Hampton, which bring bathers from downtown to Cooper’s and Main Beach respectively, there will be all day every day from 11 to 4 concerts given by the Beach Boys! They are not the regular beach boys, of course, but instead half the beach boy staff at each beach who have formed into two singing groups. Our legal department has looked into this and yes, we can use that name when they are indeed beach boys. Service on the beach might be slowed, but this is a small price to pay. Right on!

SEAT FABRIC ON ALL SUBWAY CARS TO BE CHANGED
Due to a protest by some women’s groups, we have decided to replace the recent upholstering job just completed that resulted in all subway car seats on all subway cars alternate between pink and blue. Commissioner Aspinall denies that this was supposed to indicate boy, girl, boy, girl, but was as a result of a meeting with the interior decorating committee’s chief, celebrity interior decorator Ralph Charles Glass. Glass simply thought it would be cheerful and beautiful. To assuage the women’s groups, all the new seats will be pink.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
This missive is in praise of our newsletter staff who for the last five years this week have worked hard to produce a weekly newsletter filled with information, tips and the latest gossip and news. This week the Hampton Subway Newsletter was selected by the National Subway Conference meeting in Chicago as the number one best subway newsletter in the nation. Hats off to this staff.

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