The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: September 26–October 2, 2015

Week of September 26 to October 2, 2015
Riders this past week: 14,844
Rider miles this past week: 89,412

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Dominic West and Ruth Wilson, who play Noah and Alison in the Showtime series The Affair being filmed in Montauk, were seen on the subway in animated conversation with Mark Feuerstein, who stars as the doctor in Royal Pains, which is set in the Hamptons. Was the once-steamy affair wearing thin and perhaps causing medical problems the doctor could prescribe for?

RIDERSHIP DROP-OFF
Record high temperatures outside on the East End have been found to have caused the sudden drop in ridership this past week. Riders wanted to enjoy the sunny September summer weather. Good for them. Too bad for us. The drop-off was NOT caused by customers declining to take rides because mid-level subway executives were convicted last week of laundering Hamptons Subway revenue.

GRAFFITI ON SUBWAY WALLS
Sometime between 2 and 6 a.m. Wednesday, when the subway is closed for maintenance, a single dirty, filthy word was spray-painted onto all station walls directly across the tracks from where the customers stand. Because of when it was done, we suspect this is the work of a disgruntled employee moving at lightning speed or a group of disgruntled subway employees who acted in concert with one another at an exact pre-arranged time. We are looking into the matter. In the meantime, the awful words stay up because our lawyers fear these words could be considered “art,” resulting in the painters suing us if we removed them, or the public expression of an opinion, which is protected by the Constitution, so you’ll have to put up with them until we get a court order allowing us to remove them legally. Hide your eyes.

THE COMMISSIONER DECIDES
The competition to select a Miss Subway for 2015—the photos of her in her bikini smiling will be posted on all the subway walls—has been judged by our esteemed Subway Commissioner Bill Aspinall. As you may have heard, all the thousands of paper ballots filled out by our customers with their selection checked off and then put into the suggestion box slots on the platforms were somehow lost during the transfer by armored trucks to our Hampton Bays company headquarters when the contest ended September 1. Therefore, Mr. Aspinall decided to make the decision, interviewing each of the 10 entrants in his office with chaperones present (considering Mr. Aspinall’s reputation). The winner is going to be announced at a ceremony in the Hamptons Subway cafeteria next Thursday with the local media in attendance and the winner present.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
After many years of listening to the same recorded announcement on the subway trains saying, “Watch out for the closing doors,” I have ordered that announcement changed to something more well-mannered and pleasant. Beginning Monday, taking the advice of the consultants I hired to advise me, the announcement will be made by the recorded voice of an upper-class, middle-aged English woman who will say “Oh gentle subway riders, please step gracefully aside as the subway doors slide closed now so you won’t get pinched as a result.”

We hope this change will result in a more civil tone on our system. Also, to make up for the extra time it will take to say this, the subway trains will run 2 miles an hour faster between stations.

And don’t forget, next week you get to vote for Subway Commissioner. It’s me or Donald Trump. Trump’s claim that I am not a US citizen is not true. I have my birth certificate around here somewhere.

READ MORE HAMPTONS SUBWAY

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