Dan Rattiner's Stories

Presidential Makeovers: Girdles, Hair Extensions, Facelifts, Speech Therapists, Nutritionists

The campaign for President of the United States has been a fascinating thing to watch. Three of the oldest candidates have transformed themselves physically since the thing began.

Hillary Clinton looks years younger and has learned how to talk with authority and with an impressive loud-but-non-threatening voice. Bernie Sanders never had a problem with what he had to say, but there was definitely a problem with how he said it. He used to have a habit of wiggling his lower face the way some old people do, particularly those who have false teeth. I forgave him that. But now he doesn’t do it anymore. Donald Trump always had that ridiculous orange “piece” on the top of his head. It looked to me like a wig, with the sweep of it down over his forehead. Many others thought so too. But now it’s no longer orange but a golden blond, it’s coiffed in a way that reminds me of Liberace, and he says it’s real—pull my hair, he’s offered—and I believe him. My guess is it’s implants or hair lengtheners. Whatever.

This is what happens when you get a Botox doctor, a speech therapist and a hairdresser together, and there’s probably a stop-munching doctor afoot somewhere.

You might say that none of this really matters, it’s where the candidates stand on the issues. And there’s some truth to that.

Bernie Sanders stands for liberalism. There are people starving in America and we should see to it that every one of them has food. And a car. Hillary Clinton explains the complexity of various issues pretty well, and so you have to do this and a little of that, but then you have to worry about over here and how that might stick out to the people of Finland or something. It sounds very establishment, which is good, but also it sounds very establishment, which is bad, because who needs the establishment when the gap between rich and poor is widening? Americans are giving up looking for jobs, sitting around getting fatter and fatter, watching things on TV and lacking in any enthusiasm for anything because gridlock seized the government and so nobody in charge is actually doing anything.

As for Donald Trump, he hasn’t proposed anything other than one thing. He came up with an economic plan that made no sense. He has, instead, taken to calling everybody names so we can enjoy laughing at everybody along with him—imagine that, a billionaire who is our friend. He has insulted women, his opponents, liberals, the media, the sitting President and everybody else who does not agree with him. He’s insulted England, immigrants, Syrians, Mexicans, even Belgium last week when he described Brussels as a hellhole. He insulted a woman who was one of his opponents by asking the audience, and I paraphrase, “do you really want somebody who looks like a battle axe to be our next President?” And he’s called the new Pan-Asian Treaty and national health care and anything else anybody has done or wants to do “the dumbest thing ever done.” And “wrong.” And “I will fix it when I get to be President.”

I am trying to understand what there is to like about having Donald Trump as President. Recently, you could begin to see what a President Trump might look like. He will bring the media to its knees, he will tell China where to get off, and he will do a happy little Trotsky dance with his friend Putin. Last week he refused to attend a Republican debate if Fox insisted on allowing journalist Megyn Kelly to be the moderator. Fox did, and he didn’t. Finally, he wants the votes for the guy who beat him in the Iowa Caucus declared illegal so there can be a revote, so now he could win.

Here’s another thing. In a country that is 30% obese, have you noticed that every single candidate but one is thin? Is there a stomach stapler afoot? A New Jersey girdle maker?

Thank goodness for this campaign. In short order, all the issues will be sorted out and the government can get moving again.

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