Sheltered Islander: What I Want in a Man for Valentine’s Day

The evolution of Valentine's Day dreams
The evolution of Valentine’s Day dreams, Photo: g-stockstudio, excentric_01, lisafx/iStock/Thinkstock

What I Want in a Man, Original List (Age 25):

1. Handsome, but no one-day beard to hurt my face

2. Charming, laughs at my jokes more than his own

3. Financially successful, i.e., doesn’t borrow money from me

4. Lets me read him my poems without making vomit sounds

5. Offers to fix my car

6. In good shape, lies and tells me I am too

7. Owns and knows when to wear a shirt with a collar

8. Appreciates finer things, like real pizza over frozen

9. Full of thoughtful surprises, like the $5 bouquet at the checkout

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (Age 35)

1. Showers without being told

2. Opens doors and jars

3. Has enough money for dinner at a place that has cloth napkins

4. Feigns interest when I prattle on and on

5. Has outgrown burping the alphabet as entertainment

6. Carries bags of groceries with ease

7. Owns at least one tie

8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal

9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (Age 45)

1. Has most of his teeth

2. Doesn’t start to drive off until I’m all the way in the car

3. Works steady and splurges on dinner out occasionally, even if we only go to the restaurant HE chooses

4. Nods head when I’m talking and looks conscious

5. Remembers the punch lines of his own jokes

6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange furniture and paint a room

7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach

8. Learned it’s better to drink at home because you don’t need a license to drive a couch

9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down

10. Shaves and showers even on the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (Age 55)

1. Keeps nose and ear hair trimmed

2. Doesn’t belch or scratch anything in public

3. Can operate an ATM without my assistance

4. Talks to his own relatives when they phone; doesn’t pass the phone to me

5. Doesn’t retell the same joke unless he takes the time to embellish it

6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends

7. Can find his own damn glasses, wallet, watch and keys!

8. Appreciates a good TV dinner

9. Can clean and operate his own apnea machine

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (Age 65)

1. Doesn’t scare small children

2. Doesn’t tell me to remember where he put his things

3. Doesn’t require much money for upkeep

4. Only snores lightly when asleep

5. Remembers who starred in what movie without asking me, because I can’t remember either

6. Is in good enough shape to open the door for the UPS guy

7. Usually wears some clothes around the house

8. Likes soft foods

9. Remembers where he left his glasses and teeth

10. Doesn’t even think about sex unless he’s showered, shaved and has a good piece of jewelry or gift certificate to Macy’s ready

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 75)

1. Breathing, remembers my name

2. Doesn’t miss the toilet.

3. Has a fantastic life insurance policy

Read more Sheltered Islander

More from Our Sister Sites