Police Blotter

Hamptons Liver Drivers License Considered

Local officials are considering requiring a special liver drivers license in the Hamptons area. This is in response to numerous recent incidents involving reckless, dangerous driving committed by individuals making liver deliveries throughout local villages.

Police spokesman Larry Hirsch explained: “Back in the day, liver used to be delivered by professional services, but in recent years the do-it-yourself economy has pervaded the Hamptons liver delivery business. You have people with no real credentials deciding that they can make good money making high-speed liver deliveries, and as a result they’re out there endangering motorists and pedestrians alike.”

Hirsch cited numerous fender benders caused by careless driving by unlicensed liver delivery drivers. At times, Hirsch noted, the outcomes have been very serious. Case in point: Last week’s five-car pileup in Water Mill is thought by police to have been caused by an unlicensed liver delivery driver making an emergency supply run for Bob’s Liver Palace restaurant in Bridgehampton.

“Not only did innocent people get hurt in the crash,” says Hirsch, “but the people who were expecting to sit down to a nice pile of liver and onions at Bob’s Liver Palace went home hungry.”

Officials are currently working with Hamptons Police Department brass to formulate requirements for the liver drivers license, which will probably include advanced obstacle course training and expertise in refrigeration. In the meantime, Hamptons police are patrolling local roads with a keen eye out for liver delivery drivers.

“We may not be able to stop it yet,” Hirsch said, “but that doesn’t mean our officers can’t pay special attention to these drivers.”

Read more tales from the Hamptons Police Blotter

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