The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of March 4 –12, 2016

Week of March 4 –12, 2016
Riders this past week: 8,809
Rider miles this past week: 76,228

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Our spotters were unable to identify anybody famous on the subway last week. They must all be off on vacation somewhere.

DELAY AT THE WATER MILL STATION
Subway traffic was delayed for nearly half an hour last Wednesday afternoon when a woman in the first car of a westbound train got her very expensive Marc Jacobs dress caught in the subway doors in spite of having heard the phrase, repeated a thousand times a day, “watch out for the closing doors.” The motorman on that train, Addison McMullen, overhearing the woman threaten the subway with a lawsuit while her dress was still caught, implemented the prescribed procedures. He put the parking brake on, came out of his booth, and approached her with the promissory waiver and a pen she would be required to sign before the doors could reopen. It would indemnify Hamptons Subway from all responsibility for whatever happens to a woman as a result of a caught dress such as this. After 20 minutes, with the seconds ticking away, she finally signed, the motorman signed as the witness and then he re-opened the doors, she got out and ran away, and then the subway proceeded onward. We regret the delay.

LIFEBOATS
Riders will note that there are now wooden lifeboats hanging on pegs on the walls of all the platforms in the system. The lifeboats are numbered 1 to 30 in one-foot tall letters next to the name of the station, so if you are ordered onto one or another of them you can text a friend which one it is. Each lifeboat has three sets of oars in a zippered canvas bag, 30 life preservers, and enough dried food to provide everyone on it with six delicious meals in a row.

At the recent convention of the National Subway Manager’s Association in Miami Beach, Florida, which our commissioner, Bill Aspinall, attended last month, it was discussed that, with the rising flood waters everywhere, the government may soon decide to require rescue equipment on subway platforms in the event of flooding. Mr. Aspinall, returning home, felt that we should be ahead of the curve and most up to date and so ordered it done.

When “Anchors Aweigh,” the theme song of the U. S. Navy, blasts out on our P. A. system, that is the signal it is time to go. Subway crewmembers will escort everybody to a lifeboat and all will safely be rowed to the nearest land, wherever that might be.

ROOF GARDEN
The big company bash to celebrate the opening of the new roof garden on the Hamptons Subway building in Hampton Bays was attended by more than a thousand employees and their friends last Saturday night. As a result, the roof garden is closed until further notice so that railings can be installed. At this juncture, we are awaiting the notification of next of kin before releasing the names of attendees who fell to their deaths that night. They died doing what they like to do. So there is that.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Hamptons Subway is committed to returning to its rightful owner anything that is lost on subway property. Found items will be brought to our Hampton Bays headquarters building and owners can identify what is theirs and retrieve it without charge. The only exception to this is fur coats and diamond rings, which are kept by Hamptons Subway and not given back as per the “finders keepers losers weepers rule” that is mentioned in Section 7, Paragraph 2, Codicil B of our rules and regulations.

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