The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of May 11–17, 2016

Week of May 11–17, 2016
Riders this past week: 14,322
Rider miles this past week: 143.832

DOWN IN THE TUBE
The Georgica Beach stop opened for the summer last week. One of the first seen getting off there was Martha Stewart, carrying some pots of flowers for the side table next to where the Concierge sits all day, offering up his smile and “how was your winter?” and “lovely weather we’re having” and “welcome back.” Martha brightens up any room she enters, even if it is a subway platform lit by candlelight.

TRAIN SOUNDS
For the last 10 days, people standing on the platform at the Bridgehampton Station sometimes hear the clatter of the subway approaching from far down the tunnel, see the glint of the headlights reflect off the tracks, even sometimes see the headlight, but then nothing happens after that. There is no train coming. The whole thing is very upsetting. At other times the train DOES come, but the motorman onboard says they are the regular train and that is that. We’ve had psychics down there who are unable to duplicate this experience and who leave scratching their heads, and we’ve had religious leaders down there who also can’t make it happen but say it is a message from God. We don’t know what to make of it.

NEW AWARD FOR HAMPTONS SUBWAY
Subway riders may have noticed dashes of green paint on the moldings and pillars on our platforms. This is not graffiti. Hamptons Subway last week wound up in a tie with the Palm Beach Subway system for first prize Small Subway Division in the annual American Subway System Environmental Save the Earth Award ceremony in Las Vegas. We hurriedly had the painters come in, do their thing and, with just three minutes before judging ended, we sent photos to the judging committee showing the green paint and that did it.

TRUMP PROBLEMS
As you may have heard, due to the Board of Directors taking their eye off the ball for a moment, Hamptons Subway may have slipped away from the local stockholders that own it and into the hands of Donald Trump who has already been blabbing about the changes coming. His slogan: “Make Hamptons Subway Great Again.” All people wishing to use Hamptons Subway will have to show passports or drivers licenses at the turnstiles to prove they are natural-born American citizens and not from either Mexico or Canada. Syrian refugees will be banned, as will Syrian Muslims since “you can’t tell the difference.” And he said something about illegal aliens but it wasn’t clear. At the present time, the Board of Directors is looking through the bylaws to see if this takeover can be undone. In the meantime, we urge everyone to vote for Mr. Trump for President. If elected, he has to put his properties into a blind trust and we’re told his children are very nice. Trump’s already said, by the way, that “the crook,” Commissioner Aspinall, will be out of here on the first day.

ADVERTISING POSTERS
Many local media outlets are objecting to Hamptons Subway promoting Dan’s Papers events on posters on all of the Subway platform walls. There is the Dan’s GrillHampton on July 22, Dan’s Taste of Two Forks presented by Farrell Building Company on July 23, the ClambakeMTK at Gurney’s on July 30, Dan’s Harvest East End, the can’t-miss food and wine classic, will be held on Saturday, August 20, at McCall Vineyard and Ranch in Cutchogue, and the Dan’s Papers Literary Prize for Nonfiction event. We say Dan’s Papers has published our Hamptons Subway Newsletter for the last five years, the least we can do is help them too.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Mr. Trump has not approved a Commissioner message this week.

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