Hamptons Police Enforce Muffin Quality Standards

Muffin inspection
Photo: Ploychan Lompong, ekinyalgin/123RF

The Hamptons Police Department has announced the formation of a new specialized unit charged with enforcing muffin standards throughout the Hamptons.

Spokesman Larry Hirsch explained the reasons behind the initiative at a press conference on Friday.

“In recent months we began receiving a higher than usual level of complaints from local residents that the muffins they’ve purchased at local outlets have been woefully deficient in various ways,” Hirsch said. “We’ve had reports of blueberry muffins containing an unlawfully small number of blueberries. Same thing with cranberry and chocolate chip muffins. We’ve also heard of banana muffins with barely any banana flavor at all,” he continued, adding pointedly, “Enough is enough. If muffin suppliers can’t be trusted to provide muffins that measure up to the claims made for them, then the police will have to ramp up enforcement of the Muffin Act.”

The police spokesman was referring to the Hamptons Muffin Control Act of 1994, which set up local standards for 25 distinct varieties of muffins. For example, in order to be called a blueberry muffin, the baked good in question must contain a minimum of 15 blueberries. In order to be sold as a banana muffin, a muffin has to taste like banana.

Hirsch said that Hamptons-based outlets can now expect surprise muffin inspections to be conducted frequently, rather than in the intermittent, “slipshod” way they’ve been administered in past years. He noted that the Hamptons Police Department has hired six new specially trained muffin inspectors to handle the added workload.

“These guys know from muffins,” Hirsch warned, “so all of you half-baked muffin makers better shape up.”

The new enforcement measures are set to be implemented this week.

Read more tales from the Hamptons Police Blotter

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