Police Blotter

Hamptons Squirrels Probed for Historic Structure Fire

Hamptons Police Department officers in Quogue are asking the public to be on the lookout for one or more squirrels they believe are responsible for a fire in a historic structure.

While the police have yet to determine whether the fire was set intentionally or was the result of negligence, they say that there are several lines of inquiry they would like to pursue with the bushy-tailed rodents.

“We are asking the public to contact us with any information they might have,” says police spokesman Larry Hirsch. “These animals will probably be looking a little the worse for wear—you might notice some singeing around their tails, or patches of soot on their underbellies. That will be your cue to drop a dime.”

For those who worry that the squirrels might be in for some rough treatment if they were turned in, Hirsch was not sympathetic.

“Personally, I think we’re a little too gentle with the squirrels as it is. How about let’s not be too easy on them from now on?”

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