Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of March 22–28, 2018

By Dan Rattiner

4 minute 04/02/2018

Just a few AR-15s collected by Hamptons Subway, Photo: Oleksandr Lutsenko/123RF

Week of March 22–28, 2018
Riders this past week: 10,422
Rider miles this past week: 103,841

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Wall Street’s Ken Lipper was seen boarding the eastbound train at the Georgica stop, accompanying his friends, author Susan Isaacs and former Florida Governor Jeb Bush, last Monday morning.

BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR ANTONIO
An impromptu birthday party in the third floor cafeteria of the Hamptons Subway building in Hampton Bays was held last Wednesday for longtime motorman Antonio Donatelli, who we all learned would be leaving the area for good this afternoon. Dozens of people attended and Commissioner Aspinall spoke of Antonio’s wonderful 16 years on-the job—accident-free—and presented him with a gold-plated wristwatch for his always-on-time performance. Antonio was about to be arrested for being an illegal alien by ICE agents who politely agreed to wait downstairs in the lobby before taking him away so we could have the party.

Antonio Donatelli is not an illegal alien, he’s an Italian with American citizenship, and it is just one of those things, the ICE people explained, where the wrong people are arrested because sometimes they just have a Hispanic name and you just have to accept it.

Antonio spoke and thanked all the people in attendance for their heartfelt good wishes, especially his wife and five children who were there in a corner weeping softly. Mr. and Mrs. Commissioner Aspinall were by their sides, consoling then as Antonio spoke. Antonio is to be flown to the Dominican Republic. As a parting wish, he asked that everyone remember him and they all said they would. Antonio blew out the 42 candles then exclaimed, “Mama mia,” as six ICE agents cuffed him and took him away.

GUN GIVEBACK PROMOTION A HIT
Ever wonder how valuable a subway swipe card with $60 in fares on it could be? Thousands of people in the Hamptons responded last week to Hamptons Subway’s new marketing official Ben Hodd’s first promotion, which consisted of bringing in your AR-15 semi-automatic in return for a $60 subway card. People not only brought in thousands of AR-15s, but also, separately, the bump stock attachments and belts of active ammunition. Also brought in, unasked for, were high-powered sniper rifles, elephant guns, 14 flame throwers, 17 bazookas and 14 mobile missile launchers with missiles. One fellow brought in an anti-aircraft gun while another turned in an antique Revolutionary War cannon outfitted with a bump stock to enable it to fire 40 cannonballs every 60 seconds. The former owner even brought in a truckload of cannon balls.

Commissioner Aspinall said it was the best promotion the Subway system has ever had, offered high praise for Mr. Hodd and said he was happy that he could “do our part” in protecting the school children in the only way we know how, by providing $60 subway cards for free. He also said that, after talking with the NRA, he had changed his mind about turning these weapons in to the government and will instead keep all of them in Storerooms 23, 24, 25 and 26 which line the interior walls of the subway tunnel between Southampton and Hampton Bays station. Duplicate keys are being provided to the NRA so that in the event of an insurrection against our government, militiamen can unlock these weapons and bring to play against the aggressors.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Everyone is reminded that our next promotion will be next Tuesday–Thursday when anyone in the Hamptons can drop by our Hampton Bays office and turn in gasoline-powered leaf blowers for a $20 subway card. Help us strike a blow for the environment.