The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of May 17–23, 2018

Pranksters loaded train cars with inflated rubber whoopie cushions.

Week of May 17–23, 2018
Riders this past week: 19,942
Rider miles this past week: 101,745

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Alan Furst, the famous author of military mystery novels, was seen traveling from Sag Harbor to Bridgehampton Friday morning wearing an Italian army helmet from World War II. Madonna, in riding clothes, was seen last Saturday morning with Christie Brinkley heading from Bridgehampton to Southampton.

NOT WHOOPIE IN OUR VIEW
Sometime before dawn on Saturday morning, some pranksters snuck into the subway yards in Montauk where the cars are parked all night and put inflated rubber whoopie cushions on each seat, 32 of them, in the second car from the rear. We didn’t learn about this until Sunday afternoon when numerous people reported riders jammed in standing while nobody was sitting in one particular car.

The passengers in that car, when we stopped that train for five minutes at the Quogue station, told us they knew what these cushions were but felt they were supposed to be there for some reason so they just stood around rather than sit. They certainly didn’t want to be making that noise.

Hamptons Subway’s Swat Team (HSST) is now investigating this crime, has taken fingerprints and DNA samples and is currently quizzing every person in Montauk under the age of 18 to find a match. HSST is also tapping phones at Hampton Subway headquarters, reading emails and steaming open snail mail that comes in. Crime doesn’t pay. We will catch these perps.

DOUBLE STOPPING THE TRAINS AGAIN
Due to the increased number of people riding the subway in recent years, we’ve had to add a few cars onto the end of every subway train. It was three cars last summer. This summer, we plan on four. Hamptons Subway has received approval to jackhammer out both ends of all the tunnels to make the subway platforms able to board all the cars on each train at the same time.

The $7 billion federal allotment won’t kick in until 2020, so until then, all trains this summer will stop twice at each station, hanging the last four cars back at the first stop so nobody can get on or off, then lurching forward four car lengths so people in the last four cars can get on and off while the people in the four cars at the front of each train are in the darkness of the tunnel ahead, but won’t care because they got on a few minutes earlier.

NEW TVs ON EACH CAR
The old TVs that stood high up at the two ends of each car to show old movies will be replaced by new flat screen TVs during the next two weeks. The old TVs were not connected to cable but were able to show films from Betamax tapes we’d stuck into the slot just below the screen.

Since the 72 old TVs had the Betamax slots together in a single unit—the TVs had only 13-inch screens—we will be giving them away to whomever wants them in early July—as well as more than 400 Betamax films. Perhaps they can be distributed from food pantries in the area to needy year-round residents. The new flat screen TVs will be set up to show ESPN, in accordance with our new contract with them.

BEACH STATIONS OPENING A WEEK EARLY
Because of global warming, Hamptons Subway will be opening the beach subway stops at Cooper’s Beach in Southampton and Main Beach in East Hampton on May 18 rather than May 25, as we did last year.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Yo! Dudes! Hit the surf! 23 Skidoo!

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