The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of September 21–27, 2018

A massive sinkhole devoured an entire train this week.

Week of September 21–27, 2018
Riders this past week: 31,812
Rider miles this past week: 88,982

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Sarah Jessica Parker and Jessica Seinfield were seen riding together on the subway between Amagansett and East Hampton. The number of listed celebrities seen by our spotters riding the subway this week totaled 26, which is a record for September. UFC Fighter Conor McGregor was one of them.

BEAUTIFUL DAYS
There was an upsurge in the number of people riding the subway last Thursday and Friday as those days were so sunny and beautiful and the temperature in the low seventies. Some people were seen having picnics on the platforms.

SPECIAL ELECTION
As you know, our bylaws allow for whistle blowers to call special elections if our current sitting subway commissioner is found to be diverting funds or committing other malfeasances. It’s tiresome, but it has to be done. The latest challenge to our longtime sitting subway commissioner Bill Aspinall came from a New York City real estate developer named Cuss Parasol, who has a pretty black record in the diverting funds department. Bill Aspinall is running in this special election against Parasol with the slogan “Keep the Crook You Know,” and it seems to be working as polls show him ahead by a wide margin. Don’t forget to vote.

SINKHOLE
In a frightening and shocking development, a huge sinkhole developed in the tunnel between Southampton and Shinnecock and an entire train full of passengers was swallowed up last Thursday evening at 9 p.m. It has been estimated, based on the calls that came in from folks who knew folks that went on that train but never arrived at their destination, that more than 374 people were involved. But then, an hour later, this same subway train re-emerged dripping wet in the shallow end of Lake Agawam in Southampton with everyone on board okay. Commissioner Aspinall has ordered an investigation of this matter that will include interviews with scientists at the National Time Travel Center in Montauk to try to determine if a time slip might have been the cause. Meanwhile, Aspinall is taking full credit for the outcome, understandably, since people will be voting on whether he continues in office on Tuesday.

WORN CLEAN
As you know, the subway service shuts down at 2 a.m. every night and doesn’t reopen until 6 a.m., which gives our maintenance department the ability to give the entire system—platforms, escalators, tracks and tunnels—a complete cleaning and buffing with spinning brushes. It is no wonder that Hamptons Subway always wins the award for Spick and Span in its category at the annual National Subway Awards ceremony in Las Vegas every year. Recently, however, riders have pointed out that the walls are so clean some of them are getting worn through and the names of the stations, written in different color tiles on all the walls, are beginning to fade. We are taking this matter very seriously.

TURNSTILE MALFUNCTIONS
Several straphangers have been injured in recent weeks when turnstiles they are racing through at various platforms have seized up. Mostly the injuries are to the lower abdomen and are about as serious as a punch to the stomach, but in every case, we require paramedics and ambulances to take the injured to the hospital to be checked over whether they want to or not. There is no rhyme or reason to which turnstile is going to seize up—they are all doing it from time to time because they date from when the subway system was built in 1927—so go through the turnstiles slowly. And if you see something, say something.

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